Misfit Hausfrau

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Queen for a Week!

Queen Hausfrau here, lounging poolside, sipping appletinis and eating bonbons. Well, not really, but pretty darn close in my world. You see, my husband is out of town interviewing (this week it is Groton, CT and then Atlanta.) And while I miss him horribly while he is gone, I tend to get a lot more work done. In addition, I drove to Bloomington, IN this morning and dropped Baby Girl off for a couple of days of fun with Gramma. They kicked the morning off by seeing Dora Live at the IU Auditorium. And I didn't have to go with them--SUUUWEEET!

This is Baby Girl looking all Dora-rific in her Dora dress and a Dora jacket that Gramma made.

For the first time in a long time, I had the chance to do some shopping at a mall with just one child. I went to the Prescriptives makeup counter and Peaches sweetly and patiently watched as the makeup lady worked her magic. I had a wonderful and quiet ride home as Peaches slept in the back.

When I came home, I noticed a box on the porch. It was from my friend Laura. I opened it up and almost started crying. It was a huge gift box of Kiehl's products! I am a Kiehl's junkie in a town that apparently doesn't sell any. I stock up when I am in a town that has it, or order it online but I was out of a particular face cream. When I went on the Kiehl's website a couple of weeks ago, I didn't see it and it said something about it being discontinued. In a panic, I called Laura because she works for a fabulous upscale retailer that sells Kiehl's in their stores. I told her about my dilemna and asked if she could scare some up since her company only sells it in stores--not on their website. And then I promptly forgot about it.

Well, she got me a huge jar of the cream, a lip balm, an eye cream, a pineapple face scrub (how did she KNOW I needed it for the stress acne I am experiencing for the first time in my life?) and a huge tube of hand salve (how could she know that the knuckles on my right hand are cracked and bleeding from my days toiling as a Hausfrau?!) Then I felt REALLY bad, thinking how bad it must look for me to be calling her about a particular product when my birthday is right around the corner! I called her to thank her and told her I felt bad and hoped she didn't think I had been dropping her hints. She said that I hadn't and that she had been thinking I needed some pampering. God love her. But now, I am feeling like even MORE of a jackass because I told one of my girlfriends about scoring the cream and she informed me that I was high for thinking it was discontinued because she just ordered it on the Kiehl's website without a problem. I am going to have to investigate that a little further...

So now, I've got an almost empty house (Peaches is in bed sleeping), I've got products, a bathtub I haven't used in months, the latest US Weekly (the one with Britney and KFed on the cover,) beer (cause I'm classy that way,) and ice cream in the freezer. There is a new episode of Lost on tonight, too! Pinch me, I must be dreaming!

But my good times will not be ending tonight--Peaches and I are going shopping tomorrow, I am getting a mani-pedi on Saturday and we have a sitter Saturday Night. I haven't been this girlie in awhile. Baby Girl and Herr Hausfrau may not recognize me when they come back on Friday.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

That Karma--She Is a Bitch

Is it so wrong to not want to go to a friend's house for a Sunday lunchtime playdate? Our husbands are out playing golf today and we decided to get together so that all the girls could play together late morning. Peaches woke up this morning really fussy and feverish. I knew she was cutting a tooth, but I layed it on a bit thick when I called my friend to bag the playdate. I was sort of excited to have the morning off--I painted Peaches' bedroom yesterday so it would look better when the house goes up for sale. I wanted to spend the morning doing touch-ups and putting things back. I also wanted to run to the store and get a curtain rod for her room and some sheers for Baby Girl's room.

In the 67 minutes we were away from home the following happened: I got a speeding ticket for going 61 mph in a 40mph zone ( a stretch of road that is 55 mph with the exception of a small stretch of road AFTER a steep hill--who knew?). We finally got to the store, at which point Baby Girl decided she needed to go to the bathroom. No problem, right? WRONG! Baby Girl can spot an automatic flushing toilet a mile away and WILL NOT go on one. Even if I cover the sensor part with toilet paper. Do you know how hard it is to hold toilet paper over a sensor thingie AND hold your daughter's two hands so that she won't touch the toilet? After ten minutes of negotiating the toilet, Baby Girl decided she didn't really need to go anyway. Fair enough. No sooner did we get to the back of the store when she said,
"Mommy, I really need to go to the potty."
"Honey, are you actually going to go?"
"Yes, Mommy. I will be brave."

Fine, we went BACK to the front of the store (did I mention it's a big store?) and into the bathroom. I carefully laid the toilet paper on the seat, pulled down her pants and set her down. And then it happened. The toilet flushed, even though I covered up the sensor thingie. After much screaming and crying, she said she would be brave and she peed. YAY! Trauma over. We finished up our business and went BACK to the back of the store. As I am picking out some cute shoes for Peaches (What--I'll get to the curtain rods in a minute--they are right on the way!), Baby Girl said,
"Mommy, I really need to go to the potty again. I really,really do."
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? We JUST WENT! Do you really need to go?"
"Yes Mommy."

I put the merchandise on the shelf and headed back to the front of the store. Baby Girl was very excited to be "brave" again and happily went potty, washed her hands and was done.

Great. Back to the shoes. I found some cute blue sandals for Peaches for a wedding in April and found a cute dress for Baby Girl. On to the curtain rods. No problem. I got a set of cheap curtain rods and got ready to get in line at the front. Of course it's a long wait. It only makes sense that Baby Girl would start singing one of her favorite tunes. That's what she does when we are in line at a store. Typically it is something from Laurie Berkner or the Dora theme song. Not today. It seems that she is memorizing song lyrics from the Wilco cd that is in my car. First she sang the verse from "Jesus, etc"

last cigarettes
and all you can get
turning your orbit around

There is something REALLY BAD about hearing the word "Cigarette" come out of the mouth of a happily singing 3 year old. The woman in front of me could not whip around and glare at me fast enough. Oh, but it got better. Then Baby Girl sang the chorus from "Heavy Metal Drummer,"

I miss the innocence I've known
Playing KISS covers, beautiful and stoned

Oh yeah, she SCREAMED the word STONED.

That pretty much caused all conversations in the lines on both sides of us to cease. The lady in front of me turned back around and said, "Whatever is she singing?" I told the woman it was a song from preschool. Baby Girl then said, "NO it's NOT! It's WILCO! From Mommy's CAR!"

With a flaming red face, I finally we got through the line and paid for my purchases. I told Baby Girl to stand up in the cart so that I could put her coat on. She had a pained expression on her face, but she stood up. That's right people, the girl who just had marathon peeing session in the bathroom peed her pants and on the coat she was sitting on. I don't even know where all the pee CAME from since she didn't drink all of her milk this morning. At about this time, Peaches started screaming because we had been dicking around for so long and it was past her lunch time. To shut her up, I opened up my backpack to give her some pretzels. The zipper promptly broke and my wallet and everything else fell out. After cleaning up the mess and getting the pee soaked coat onto Baby Girl, we got ready to head out the the parking lot. In a hail storm. Baby Girl had never been experience hail before so she had to scream and cry about it. Once in the car, we drove back home. I did the speed limit and everything. The cop who pulled me over earlier passed me by on the road and waved. Jackass.

All this because I didn't go to a Sunday Playdate.

Friday, March 24, 2006

You Say Shallow, I Say Screw You!

My blogfriend, MIM has taken a beating of bloglical proportions this week for her views. Some of the idiots have posted some rather mean and ugly comments and have called her a host of things. Shallow, in particular comes to mind.

You wanna see shallow? Read on!

I was hoping it would never come to this, but I am in need of opinions concerning a rather delicate matter in my home. While I already know what all of my female readers will say, I also desperately need the opinions of males as well in order to ~~prove that I am right~~ save my marriage.

Let me start off by saying that it is a rare event for Herr and I to argue. Sure, we have the token squabbles over who took the last beer without telling the other and nitpick over who should bathe the girls. We have similar views and ideologies. I even trust his judgement when it comes to things like art or furniture for the house. That said, I am distressed that we are currently in a bitter dispute over something so damn idiotic.

THE ISSUE

This is my dishwasher. I luuurve it. I love it because one can't hear it when it's running. It's true. We are fooled frequently and sometimes open it mid-cycle thinking it is off. I made it clear to Herr that we are taking the dishwasher and the refrigerator with us when we move. I told him that we should buy a plain ol' $250 dishwasher in a couple of weeks and have it installed and put the one we are taking with us to the basement and then the movers can move it. He agreed.

This is my kitchen. See the white cabinets. See the countertops that are gray with BLACK and blue flecks of color. See that the sides of my stainless steel appliances are BLACK. Should the dishwasher be white or BLACK? Herr feels that the dishwasher should be white to blend in with the cabinets. I told him he was on crack. The current dishwasher doesn't blend in now, and besides, the sides of the other appliances are BLACK. It's going to look really stupid and out of place to have a white dishwasher.

I am the first one to say that there are so many other more important topics to debate (Abortion, Sudan, Iraq, etc.) However, none of those issues will ever be solved on my blog. I need to choose my battles and this is the one I have decided take on at the moment, no matter how shallow and idiotic it appears to be. Besides, I never said this was the Huffington Post. Oh, wait--of course it's not the Huffington Post: I don't make stuff UP! Herr has completely refused to further debate this. I thought this would be an impartial forum to come up with a viable solution. Even if you have never commented on my site before, I am begging you to respond, even if it's the answer I don't want to hear. Who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. I can take it. I just figured this would be a more democratic method than buying the dishwasher behind his back while he's away interviewing over the next couple of weeks.

****UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who provided feedback. After further discussion, we discovered that Lowes has a cheap stainless steel dishwasher for only $50 more than the one we were going to buy. Suweet! And, we can advertise that it is brand new. Crisis averted.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Happy Spring, My Ass

Ugh. Our luck ran out this morning. We've been fortunate to avoid snow for most of the season. Now that it's Spring, it only makes sense for us to get a storm. Normally, I wouldn't care but I am officially alone until late Thursday night. Herr Hausfrau is heading to Salt Lake City today for his first of seven interviews across the country over the next three weeks.

Cold Crappy Weather+Wind=ape-shit children

I am praying that the sun will come back out tomorrow with a high of 70 degrees. Don't laugh. It could happen.

I went to my very first ever Physical Therapy Session last evening. Not so impressed. For those of you keeping score at home, I have Plantar Fibromatosis. The non-medical term for this is, "My Heels Fucking Hurt Like Bloody Hell Every Damn Day." It seems that I overdid it at my new gym a month ago, hitting the treadmill and elliptical machine for too long and didn't properly stretch. As a result, I would get out of bed in the morning and promptly fall over from the pain in my feet. No lie. I had this problem about 8 years ago but it wasn't nearly this bad. It went away after I stopped wearing heels to work every day and wore a heel cup in my shoes for a couple of months. I couldn't take the pain anymore a couple of weeks ago, so I went to a podiatrist who prescribed foot exercises before getting out of bed and at night, anti-inflammatories, ice on my heels at night and physical therapy twice a week for three weeks. The hardest part is wearing shoes on my feet at all times. I am a barefoot or flip flop wearing kind of a girl.

The Physical Therapist, "Steve" made me instantly uncomfortable. I am a huge advocate for respecting people's personal space. Steve apparently doesn't subscribe to that philosophy. He is also touchy-feely. He kept touching the small of my back to guide me to places around the room. He also kept sliding his hand down my entire back when I did stretching exercises. The absolute worst part was when I was on an examining table and he was holding my foot and wanted me to push it towards him. That would have been OK, but he was making me push my foot into his GROIN!

Does anyone know if this is normal? I initially wasn't overly concerned because I thought he was gay and I have several touchy-feely gay friends. But then he started talking about his WIFE AND KIDS. I didn't want to give the 90 year old man next to me a heart attack if I started getting belligerent with him, so I didn't say anything there.

I would like to get some opinions, though. I plan on changing Physical Therapists, but I need to figure out how I should best complain. Any ideas?

Friday, March 17, 2006

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Despite the rather Germanic name of my blog, we are an Irish family (with some other stuff thrown in) through and through!

We decided to get the party started early, as an Irish family worth their corned beef and cabbage would do!

And about that rule I made when I was 8 that I would never dress my children alike: GAH!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Back Home

I am back at Hausfrau Haus after spending the weekend with June , Ward, Wally, and the twin Beavs. The original plan was for Baby Girl to come with me for some special "Mommy/Daughter time. However, Wally was throwing up the night before we were leaving, so June called me as I was pulling out of the driveway at 5:30AM to tell us he was sick. I decided to leave Baby Girl at home to be safe. Baby Girl took it well, thanks to the new Dora dvd I had purchased for the trip. Also, she quickly deduced that Gramma was there to care for Peaches, so she would have multiple trips to Old McDonalds (McDonalds). So I set out alone.

Hot Damn! I had the good fortune of riding in a car alone. Seven hours each way! I could stop (or not stop) when I wanted. I could enjoy the silence. I could play "There,There" by Radiohead 12 times consecutively and not get a look from Herr like I had a scorpion crawling across my face. It's the little things...

The visit was lovely but very busy. I may have previosuly mentioned that the Cleavers are moving to Canada this summer and they put their house on the market last week. I don't know how June does it every day with the three kids, but she is amazing. The weekend was a blur of toddlers and 3 year olds playing, diapers, feedings, getting the house ready for the open house, and figuring out where to go during the openhouse and other potential buyer visits. It wasn't all craziness though. We were able to read gossip magazines and laugh and do some shopping. On Sunday evening I begged to go to Ward's "trivia night" at the local English Pub. June had discussed it at some length in the past. I needed to witness this wonder for myself. I was not disappointed--especially when Ward's trivia team won $350. The best part was watching the other trivia teams come up to ~~talk smack~~ grudgingly congratulate Team Ward on their victory.

The drive back yesterday was adventurous as I drove through almost seven straight hours of thunderstorms. I refused to pull over, however, because I REALLY missed the girls and I wanted to be home before they woke up from their naps. I became super excited when I saw my two favorite Billboards on I-71: "IF YOU WERE TO DIE TOMORROW WHERE WOULD YOU SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY?" and "HELL IS REAL." I don't know of two billboards that are more welcoming. God Bless the Midwest.

Things are back to normal now that I am home. Baby Girl is in major love with the gift Auntie June gave her--a Groovy Girl doll named Lourdes and a bed. Peaches loves her new pillow doll I got her. I will be enjoying the normalcy until next week when Herr starts his fly-in interviews. From March 21 until April 7 he will be interviewing in Salt Lake City, Groton, CT, Cambridge, MA, Atlanta and Wilmington, DE. Should be fun. Instead of doing a March Madness betting pool, I think I will do a "Where are the Hausfraus' Going to Move?" betting pool. Please submit your bets by April 15. Winners will receive some ADDITIONAL cool prizes that the Vietnam Vets didn't pick up last week. You can't win if you don't play!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I Got Nothin'

Things are pretty quiet here at Hausfrau Haus this week. I have been setting things aside for the Vietnam Vets to pick up on Friday since I don't want to do another cross-country move with a bunch of crap that we don't need. It's amazing how the stuff just piles up. Since we've only been in Ohio 10 months, we haven't had too much time to get completely overrun with crap, so it's manageable.

Herr Hausfrau is doing telephone interviews at a rapid pace. He also heard back from his former boss at his old company on Monday. He got approval to bring Herr back to the company. At this point, it will take about a month to put together the HR approvals and put an offer together. That is a good thing as it will give Herr more time to do some second interviews with other companies to see if there is something better.

Hmmm, what else. Oh yeah! The NJ company I still occasionally work for just moved into a new building within the same complex as their previous office. It took my friend about 12 minutes to realize that there was something strange going on in the office across the hall. She noticed that there were men hanging out in front of the other office door, ringing a DOORBELL! She decided to go across the hall to introduce herself, but the two Russian ladies who answered the door wouldn't let her in. They informed her that the company is a massage parlor. My friend went online to Google the name of their company and discovered a message board that was VERY informative: "$60 at the door, $100 in the back." "They get on top." You get the picture. The HR department in our company is horrified and wants to call the cops right away. My friend is worried because the girls' cars have NY plates and she is not comfortable messing around with what she thinks could be the Russian Mob. What makes this so weird is that these offices are in such a cute little town. It's crazy that it's there. Obviously, there is a market...

The best part of my week is going to be the road trip I am taking with Baby Girl on Friday. We are driving up to see June Cleaver for a long weekend. I am looking forward to spending quality time with my best friend, before we are both seperated by a lot more miles since she is moving to Canada and we are moving to Hell Knows Where. I am anticipating lots of girl talk, alcohol consumption (after children are in bed) and perhaps some shoe shopping. Yay for me! It should also be interesting for Peaches in that not only will I be away from her, but so will her sister. I am pretty sure I am getting the better end of the deal. Fortunately for Herr, his mother is coming on Thursday to help out while I am gone. I have no doubt that I will come back and Peaches will have a brand new wardrobe, all new toys and will be saying her first words, "chicken nuggets" and "diet coke."

Friday, March 03, 2006

Our House is So Quiet Now

My friend Amy came to visit on Sunday from New Jersey. She brought Baby Girl's best friend Katie and her little brother Jack. Herr and I met Amy and her husband Michael about 3 1/2 years ago when we were all in the same Childbirth Class. I don't think we ever actually spoke during the class. I, for one, was entirely too bitched up to be all that friendly to anyone in the last 4-6 weeks of my pregancy. The class was at 7PM on Monday, so I was really tired, especially after working all day. Plus I was sick at the end of my pregnancy and was constantly leaving the class to cough up my lungs. We actually met up again after our kids were born and we saw each other at the local Babies R Us. The rest is history. Amy has been such a wonderful support system for me because our daughters are two weeks apart and we didn't know what the hell we were doing. At any rate, this week was a dizzying amount of chasing, giggling, playing, roughhousing, fighting, crying, watching Barney, (Jack LOVES him some Barney!) screaming, makeup parties, shrieking, dancing and dressing up in princess dresses. Occasionally, Amy and I relaxed while the children napped. By the second day, the four kids ~~napped~~ went down at the same time in the afternoon.

Baby Girl learned all about make up application this week from her friend Katie.

Despite all of the craziness in the house, my house has never been more organized, mealtimes and baths went like clockwork, and Amy was on top of the laundry (my least favorite chore.) Did I mention that Katie LOVES TO DUST? As a result, I asked Amy to marry me and she said YES! We might be onto something with the whole "two mothers/1 father household thing. We'll be setting up our commune just as soon as Herr figures out where his new job will be. And so Amy's husband Michael doesn't feel left out, he may join the commune as well. He is good at building stuff and westling with the kids. This really could work. I'll keep all of you posted.

Yesterday we had the pleasure of meeting Jenette and her adorable son, Ethan. They came over after the kids' naps and there was more chasing and playing and arts and crafts and Barney watching. Ethan was initially shy, but got right into the thick of things in no time. It was a great time and I was so relieved that Baby Girl and Katie didn't hogtie Ethan and put him in a princess dress. Because it could have happened.

And now that Amy and her stinkin' cute kids are on their way back to New Jersey, our house is so quiet. So very quiet. It is bound to get a little noisy tomorrow when Herr's Aunt and Uncle come to stay. It should be interesting as Herr hasn't seen them in 15 years and I have never met them.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Weekend Recap

February sucks.

Peaches, who is only a year old, no longer wishes to nap in the afternoons. She has been screaming her displeasure for a week. This won't do.

I have officially eaten my last Girl Scout Cookie. I can't stomach another one.

Instead, I've sw

itched to this: In case you can't read the description on the bottom, it says, "Thick Buckeye Fudge Flowing Through Peanut Butter Ice Cream Loaded With Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Buckeyes." If you put that quote to porn music, LOOK OUT! Ice Cream Porn. Now that's some porn I could get excited about.

Making and eating 45 a few fried crab rangoons because one doesn't know how many a recipe makes (they were supposed to be an appetizer--not a meal) do NOT cause a heart attack. Yet.

The Constant Gardner: Wow Wow WOW!

Mr. & Mrs. Smith: Not so much.

Milestone in Baby Girl's Life: I took her to see her very first movie in a theater this afternoon, Curious George. Of course, I started to get misty-eyed and weepy the second I heard Jack Johnson's sweet voice starting the movie; I think because I ~~usually listen to Jack Johnson on a Friday evening with a frosty cold Red Stripe in my hand~~ realized how sweet and special this moment was for my little girl.

Herr's Interview Update: Things are progressing nicely. Herr had a telephone interview with a Pharmaceutical company based in Cambridge, MA on Friday and has another one scheduled for Tuesday with a company in Wilmington, DE. I only spent 4 hours on Realtor.com ~~crying~~ looking at the cost of real estate in those two locations, as opposed to the 12 or so hours I spent on Realtor.com last weekend.

My friend Amy is in town until Friday!!! Yippee! We'll put our three-year-olds in charge at home and we will go hit the mall.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Weekend Recap--President's Day Weekend Version

Herr Hausfrau and I had an enjoyable President's Day weekend, despite the fact that we had gotten "the news" of Herr's impending unemployment. We ate a lot of food and drank a lot of beer. Some of you may be thinking, "How is that different from any other weekend at Hausfrau Haus?" Well, you would be quite RUDE to think that, now wouldn't you? In particular, we ate our weight in Girl Scout Cookies as they came delivered by our sweet Girl Scout Cookie Sales Consultant "Amber" on Saturday afternoon. Some of the GS Cookies were eaten in conjunction with the Edy's GS Cookie Ice Cream--awwyeah! Herr had ordered the cookies awhile back one day and we had been chomping at the bit to get them and eat them. After Amber the GSC Consultant delivered the cookies, I got ready to tear into them.

"Here Herr," I said. "Here are your Samoas. Oh wait, I'll have to call Amber because there are Thin Mints in this bag instead of Tagalongs."

"I didn't order Tagalongs," came the reply from the living room.

"What the fuck do you mean you didn't order Tagalongs?! You KNOW those are my FAVORITE Girl Scout Cookie--the same way Samoas are your favorite. We have been together 15 years and you FORGOT that my favorite Girl Scout Cookie is the Tagalong?!?!?!? That's something that any good spouse knows about the other. I believe it is covered on the second date! I don't even know who you are anymore!"

"I'm sorry Hausfrau, I forgot. But you like Thin Mints, don't you?"

"Ppffft, NO!" I said, my cookie-full mouth spraying Thin Mint crumbs across the kitchen. "Pppfft You Suck!"

After I ate an entire box of Thin Mints (there might be 12 cookies in the box) I called Amber's mom and left a message to get more cookies if they had any to spare. Within 30 minutes we had four more boxes of cookies--two Tagalongs and two Samoas. Because that's just the kind of wife I am.

Since it was a long weekend, Herr wasn't really in a position to do much job hunting since no one would be receiving the resumes until Tuesday. Besides, his boss told his group that all ressearch stops as of now and that all the employees need to do from now until June 30 is finish up any publications they might be working on, and look for a job. Currently, job hunting is not taking up too much of his day at work. But that didn't stop me from looking for him. I can't help it--it's the HR in me. I'm a recruiter by trade, so I basically live on the job sites for work. I need not have bothered, as he pretty much knew about all of the existing openings with every major pharmacutical company in the country. Herr has a good reputation in his field and has a lot of contacts, including his former boss in New Jersey. In his type of field, you never get a job from Monster.com. You get it because someone knows you. That doesn't bode well when one has a meddling recruiter wife who wants to help.

I have all the faith in the world that Herr is going to find a great job and we are going to be fine. We always have been. It's just that I am a wreck because all I can think about is that we have no idea where we will be living in 4-6 months. While that may seem like a long time, it's not. After Herr told me where all of his contacts work, I spent the rest of the weekend looking at houses on Realtor.com to get a feel for each market (New Jersey, CT, Boston, Raleigh, San Francisco and Ontario, Canada.) We've already agreed that if he gets his old job back in New Jersey, we would live in PA. If he gets a job in Boston, we'll live in New Hampshire. etc.

I realize that I need to calm the hell down. My perpetual state of obsessing over the uncontrollable will drive all of us nuts. I am hoping that going to the gym more will help relieve some of my stress. One of the plus sides to the layoff announcement is that Herr no longer needs to get to work at the ass-crack of dawn, so I can go to the gym every morning before he goes to work. Well, every morning might be a bit unrealistic, but three days in the same week would be a good start. Unfortunately, any one who really knows me know that I am not happy unless I am worrying or obsessing about something. Because that's just the kind of wife I am.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Misfit Proverb

Give a child a toy, and it will become lonely and abandoned in the toyroom.

Give a child carte blanche with one kitchen cabinet and they will be happy for hours playing, "Shopping at Target," "Shopping at Kroger," "Let's Play Cooking Show," "Let's Ice Skate (with Tupperware Lids)," and "Baby Girl's and Peaches' Club House," complete with doors.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Herr & Misfit Hausfrau's Friday Night Lay-Off Pity Party Recap

Number of Sierra Nevada Pale Ales consumed: 12
Number of Tyson Buffalo Wing Chicken Strips eaten: How many are in a 2 lb. bag?
Number of Tater Tots: 1 lb. bag
Hidden Valley Ranch: 1 bottle
Edy's Girl Scout Cookie (samoa) Ice Cream: 1/2 carton
Number of times the word "fuck" was part of a statement: Lost count after 10
Number of times Misfit said, "We are going to be just fine!" and Herr said, "Oh, Yeah, we're going to be OK.": Lost count after 10
Number of lists created to start getting the house ready to sell: 1
Number of Times Baby Girl asked, "What are you talking about?": 3
Number of Times Misfit wanted to consult with her secret friend Virginia Slim on the deck when no one was looking but didn't: Lost count after 10
Number of hours watching the Olympics without really watching it: 2
Number of tears shed: ZERO

Friday, February 17, 2006

A Fucked Up American Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a family living a good life in the suburbs of New Jersey. The husband was a scientist who wanted to discover a drug that cured cancer, or AIDS, or even herpes. He worked hard, as did his wife, to provide for their growing family.

After awhile, the family decided that it was too expensive to live a decent life in New Jersey. As long as they lived there, they would always have to worry about their financial futures. The family also wanted their children to know their grandmothers and cousins. The way to do that was to move to the Midwest. The problem was, there were only four companies in the Midwest that did the kind of work that the husband did--and three of them weren't hiring. The husband interviewed with a fantastic company in the Midwest that offered him a promising career track and interesting projects. The company was a huge international consumer products company that had a small pharmaceutical arm. It was perfect! He was promised a ton of exposure for his work, rapid promotions and a lot less corporate bullshit because the group was small, but had the comfort of a large corporate umbrella for things like benefits and reputation.

And so they went. They bought a beautiful house. A house they NEVER could have had on the East Coast. They had the luxury of the wife being able to stay home with the children. They opened up a couple of 529Bs for the kids--something they wouldn't have been able to do without a lot of sacrifice. They paid off their debts, leaving only a house payment. They were hardly wealthy, but life was good.

The first week the husband was in his new job, he found out that an announcement had been made two weeks prior to the move that the pharmaceutical division was going to restructure. The wife was surprised that no one had bothered to pick up the phone to let them know prior to the move. The husband said that it probably didn't apply to him since they just paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to move him and several other scientists to this town to work. They had told him they were expanding, after all. But then he was told he wouldn't get the associates that he was promised upon joining. Scientists who had been there for years started applying for positions outside of the pharmaceutical division so they wouldn't have to leave the fair city and work for another company. Since there was a hiring freeze, the husband had lots of work piled up on him.

Months passed, and the company's main focus was on the purchase of another company. A company whose newest product is a razor with 5 blades. The pharmaceutical division plugged along. The husband was growing increasingly frustrated with the situation, but was hopeful that the reorganization would bring welcome changes. First the company said they would detail the reorganization at the end of January. When January came and went, the company said the announcement would come at the end of February. Then they said the announcement would come on February 17.

The husband went to the meeting. The powers that be announced that the entire Pharmaceutical R&D team will be dissolved, affecting 300 people. Gone. Buh Bye. The last day will be June 30. The husband will receive three months severance since he has only been there less than a year. He also received an invitation to apply for exciting R&D positions in areas such as diapers, toothpaste or laundry detergent. The husband is going to find out if groups will be gradually let go or if everyone's last day is June 30.

So now, the family will be preparing to move elsewhere. They've done it before. St. Louis, Maryland, Pittsburgh and New Jersey. While the family never really thought they would live there forever, there was power in thinking that they would be leaving on their own volition.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Hausfrau Product Review

Recently, we purchased our fourth coffee maker in twelve months. I.am.not.kidding. As a matter of fact, I am guessing that we are on at least our 25th coffee maker since we got married in 1994. Part of the challenge is that we are power coffee drinkers. We drink ALOT of coffee--especially on the weekends. And if we have friends over on the weekends? Fugetabout it. It runs all day for three days. Another challenge is that we are klutzy. We have broken so many coffeepots, and wouldn't you know--it's always the one with no replacement carafe available. Thirdly, they are all crap with a capital C. We are always amazed when we stay with friends who we've not seen in a year and they still have the same coffee maker. I just don't understand.

We've purchased them all (except a Bunn and those coffee makers with coffee pods). Proctor Silex, KitchenAid, Krups, Mr. Coffee, Delonghi, Braun, Hamilton Beach, Cuisinart. We've purchased Melitta coffee presses (love them but they don't make them large enough for a power drinker.) We've spent $20 and we've spent considerably more. We've had the most basic of models and the models with all of the bells and whistles (except for the grind and brew--our friends HATED it.) We've studied consumer reports and we have flipped a coin to choose one. It doesn't matter. They always let us down.

We currently have these two little gems in the basement collecting dust:

I ordered the white one from JC Penney days before we moved into our new house so it would be waiting for us when we got there. Our previous coffee maker bit the dust after a particularly rough but memorable "Goodbye New Jersey Party Weekend." We were minutes from a Starbucks, so it wasn't a hardship to get coffee until moving day. I thought that two carafes and the $100 price tag would mean lots o'coffee, despite the fact that nowhere on the website did it list the cup capacity. I was wrong. Those two sizeable carafes make a whopping 4 cups each. It took up too much space on the counter to be useful. Why didn't I return it, you ask? The freaking movers took the box it came in and JC Penney wouldn't take it. Bastards. The other one is a Hamilton Beach Stay & Go. Love it. Too bad I shattered the glass liner inside the stainless steel carafe when I dropped it a few weeks ago. Guess what? They don't sell replacement carafes. I've been trolling Ebay too, to no avail. I usually have a spare Gevalia in the basement to use, but I was fresh out. Don't act like you've never ordered a Gevalia. We've ordered so many that we have even used
our dogs' names for creating new accounts to get the coffee makers. They are just as good as the rest. We are no longer conveniently close to a coffee shop, so I went to Target.

I was getting ready to purchase an old fashioned stovetop percolater when I happened upon this:

Sweet! No more carafe to break. It makes 12 cups. It stays warm for two hours. And it was on sale for under $40. Who cares if it looks like the pop machine in the McDonalds drivethru?! We've had it for almost three weeks and it's still working. Just to be safe, I will check out Gevalia's latest offering and order it under my husband's middle name.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The Funk That is February

Oy to the Vey! We are in a dismal funk at Hausfrau Haus. The four of us are sick of the weather, sick of our surroundings and sick of each other. Due to a spending oversight on my part, we are on a forced "austerity plan." This means that we will be going nowhere until Herr gets paid at the end of the month (don't get me started on how he gets paid once a month.) Sure, there are all kinds of free things to do around here, but Herr and I are lazy. I am so lazy that I walked on the treadmill for over an hour at the gym yesterday so that I could watch "Charade" with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn. While walking for that length of time may seem admirable, it's not. I was too caught up in the movie to move to the elliptical machine(which had a television as well) or do some aerobics. And I think the highest speed I programmed the treadmill was 3.7 miles. Fortunately for me, no one seemed to need my treadmill. What's really sad is that I have seen the movie about six times. It wasn't as though I didn't know how it was going to end.

Classic movies on TCM aside, there is NOTHING on TV. What's that? The Olympics, you say? Blech. Aside from the brilliant two hour season finale on Arrested Development Friday night, I haven't watched any other TV at home. But all is not lost, I have a huge stack of books that I could be reading right now. What's that? Oh, right--the children. It seems that they are bored too. Any other weekend, Baby Girl would be THRILLED to rot her brain with hours of Dora. We finally let her this weekend so that we could read or stare at the idiot box. Unfortunately, Baby Girl wants to play her favorite games, "You Need to Tickle Me," "You Need to Chase Me," "You Need to Help Me Play Pla-Dough," and the always fun, "HELP!HELP! I am stuck in the SPOOKY FOREST! SAVE ME!" Peaches, who is no different this weekend than she is any other time, walks around the house screaming at us.

After I put the kids down for a nap this afternoon, I decided to do something useful. I realized recently that we don't get any type of family newsletters from our relatives during the holidays. As a matter of fact, we are lucky if we get cards from most of our family. My immediate family is scattered all over the world. Our distant family is HUGE, as are most Polish immigrant families. I think my mom's family is related to half of Chicago. Yet, we are close to virtually none of them. The blame is laid squarely on my mother who pissed off most of them over the years and shunned the rest, thinking they were trash. It's a sad state of affairs to realize that of my 14 first cousins, I would recognize only three of them if I saw them on the street. And one of them is dead. So, in the spirit of nosiness I thought I would Google some family members to see what they have been up to over the past couple of years. Here's what I found.

One of my cousins was quoted on Fox News stating that she wanted to see Tim McGraw's bare ass on film.

One of my cousins plays recreational squash in New Zealand.

One of my cousins attended a roast at MIT last year.

A couple of websites are monitoring my cousin's college visits to see where he will be playing football this fall. My guess is Princeton, but I hope Northwestern.

My nephew won first prize in a science fair. Damn my sister for forgetting to tell me.

One of my cousins went to the Indiana state finals in wrestling.

My uncle went on Lou Dobbs Tonight in December to straighten Lou out on some allegedly shoddy reporting concerning a study my uncle's trade organization did. Apparently Lou was surpised by how classy he was and intimated that while my uncle was on the show.

My ex brother-in-law is a grown man who plays with Legos. A lot. To be fair, I already knew that. He's even gone to a convention (helloo, Star Trek!!) I just didn't know the evidence was on the internet.

My second cousin (who is closer to my age than my mother) is on the Village Council where he lives in Michigan.

A distant cousin is playing Minor League Hockey.

My sister has been VERY busy on some geneaology message boards.

After awhile I got a little bored with Googling my family. I decided to check a couple of people from college whom we've not seen since we left. I didn't find many, but one that I did was absolutely hilarious.

One of the people Herr and I worked with at the restaurant in college was a very cordial and mature individual who was a couple of years older than we were. He had an adorable little girl from a previous marriage and an annoying girlfriend named Trish. He also had a fatal flaw. He was an absolute horndog. Bar none. He wasn't quite a predator, but he was close. Imagine my surprise when I looked him up and discovered that he is now an abbott for a Buddhist Zen Center (Mark and Laura--if you are reading this--there are even PICTURES of him!!!!)

So, if you're bored and trapped in your homes due to finances, laziness or the BLIZZARD that is kicking the Northeast's ASS, go on. Google your family. You might turn up something interesting. If not, than you will have at least fittered away a couple of hours.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Weekend Recap

This past weekend was one of the better weekends we have had in recent Hausfrau Haus history. Friday was the birthday bash for Peaches. It consisted of Gramma and some red velvet cake. That was it. Peaches got a couple of gifts that Baby Girl has claimed as her own, which was to be expected. Initially I was going to give Peaches a cupcake that had been in the freezer since October. Then I felt a twing of guilt for not making more of an effort. In addition, I got a verbal ass-kicking from my friend on Thursday after I told her about said frozen cupcake. That sealed the deal for me to get off my ass and get baking.

Since Gramma stayed the weekend, Herr and I were able to go out on a date for a movie and dinner. We saw "Good Night and Good Luck." Not a bad movie. It was interesting to learn more about the McCarthy witch-hunts, but I was puzzled by the lack of character development and a seemingly unnecessary subplot that involved Robert Downey Jr. Perhaps it would have made more sense to me had I known a bit more about the part of our American history. Nevertheless, I was at a movie, eating popcorn from a container the size of a bathtub. I would have been happy to see Porky's 12.

The pièce de résistance of our weekend was the obvious. The Steelers winning the Super Bowl. We were incredibly hung over this morning because of all of the crap we ate--not because of anything we drank. In an unprecendented move, Herr Hausfrau (who NEVER picks up the phone willingly to call ANYONE except his mother) started dialing all of our Pittsburgh friends after the win, hoping to engage in a play-by-play discussion and some manly crying. Alas, most of our friends were already walking around the South Side, no doubt trying to tip cars over. He did get in touch with one of our friends who answered the phone by screaming.

When I woke up early this morning, I realized I didn't want the weekend to end, so I ate some leftover chili and velveeta dip on top of my eggs. That's some good eating right there--a little hair of the dog, if you will. It will be worth the extra 30 minutes on the elliptical machine when I go to the gym tonight.

In unrelated news, I took Baby Girl to her Monday Morning Art Class with Miss Sue. Out of the blue, Baby Girl announced that Krishna, the sweet boy sitting next to her, is BROWN and that she is WHITE. I've NEVER heard a room become so quiet, so fast. Discuss.

Friday, February 03, 2006

First Birthday!

This is a photo of two kids who REALLY want birthday cake. Actually, it is a picture of a big sister who really wants birthday cake. She has been dreaming of birthday cake for days. She can't stop talking about the birthday cake that she had two months ago. She has been trying to explain to her sister the joys of the birthday cake. But baby sister doesn't listen. Instead, she chews on a Tupperware lid.

No, this isn't a crime scene. It is merely a red velvet cupcake that I made for Peaches. As you can see, she totally went for it.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Jenette

This whole blog thing has been great therapy for me. I don't have time to go see a shrink (or a dentist or a gynocologist for that matter,) so that has been a nice alternative for me after the kids go to bed at night. Writing on this has often times been cathartic, creative and enjoyable. By putting what I say "out there," it has allowed me to think things out big and small that are normally jumbled up in my head along side my grocery list. The one thing I never really expected to learn was that there were people in the blogosphere who would not only read what I write, but care enough to occasionally comment on what I say. It has been reassuring to know that I am not always alone when it comes to my doubts in my ability to parent. I haven't had the opportunity to get much hate mail since I don't think I really write about controversial topics, but, you never know. All in all, it has been interesting and fun to communicate with people to whom I have a lot in common, yet we have never met.

One individual who frequently responds to my posts is Jenette. After reading each other's blogs, we realized that we live quite close to each other and have written emails back and forth trying to figure out when we should meet because we think our kids would play well together. Jenette was also such a great help to me when I asked her for advice on local preschools. As a teacher, she was able to give me really good advice on what I should look for in a preschool. I NEVER would have asked the questions I asked at the open houses I attended had it not been for her. As a result, I think I have applied for some really good preschools for my daughter, and I hope she will get in to one of them.

To say that Jenette is going through a tough time is an understatement. After a couple of years of trying to have a second child, Jenette got pregnant last fall after a couple of months of fertility treatments. This week she found out that her child has Potter's Syndrome. Simply put, the baby's kidney's never developed. Because of this, there is no amniotic fluid. The baby will not survive. Jenette and her husband have been placed in a terrible and heart breaking position.

Go. Visit her site and give her some love. If you know someone who has been through this, maybe they can give her some advice.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

...And Then I Threw Up in My Mouth a Little

I was catching up on my newspapers this morning when I ran across an article in the Wall Street Journal concerning the use of the female Cochineal Beetle to make red dye for some popular foods such as Yoplait Thick & Creamy Low Fat Strawberry Yogurt and Tropicana Ruby Red Grapefruit Juice. As of now, companies are allowed to call the colorings carmine and cochineal (the colors derived from the ground up dried beetles) "color added" or even "artificial color." Too bad I lost my appetite for my waffles after reading this.

Thanks to the watchdogs, the Center for Science in the Public Interest and a group of people who are allergic to the insect are pushing for changes in describing the ingredient in food labels. The article goes on to mention that vegetarians and Jewish people who eat kosher are also against its use. Let it be known that this carnivore is not thrilled with the use of this product either. But unless you research every ingredient you eat, most people won't know what carmine and cochineal are if they are printed on a label.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Now With 50% Less Screaming!

What a difference a week makes! In my last post I was so frustrated with my daughter and her hunger strike/neediness/screaming, etc. On the advice of our pediatrician, he suggested that we put her back on soy formula (since we were starting to introduce whole milk) and mix it with soy milk.

WOW.

It took a couple of days, but she suddenly started eating again. A lot. But only regular food--no baby food whatsoever. And she stopped screaming as much. She is smiling so much more and is walking like a fiend!!! If we weren't such bad dancers we would do a jig. I am still going to push to have my pediatrician test for allergies when we have her 1 year check up next Friday. Thanks to all of you for your understanding and advice. It was much appreciated.

All in all it was a good week. June's kids are doing much better and my friend Lori came for a few days to visit. I grew up with Lori and she now lives in Kentucky, about 5 hours from me. We have a long history of friendship, including a brief stint as roommates in college. And between the two of us, we have waited on about 2 million tables and made a million alcoholic beverages. When we are together, I always laugh at how we lapse into what is familiar for us. When we went to college together, I almost flunked out of freshman year because we would skip class and go out to eat (breakfast preferably) or drink coffee. Every. Single. Day. When we were together this week, she gave me a reason to get up and shower every day. We spent our days with the kids and drinking coffee. We spent the evenings shopping and going to coffee shops where we gossiped and solved everyone's problems but our own. It just doesn't get much better than that.

And now we are experiencing the most beautiful weekend in January EVER. It is 60 degrees and there is crazy bright sun. Our Steelers flag is hanging proudly off of our porch. The kids are napping. Life is good.