Thursday, March 27, 2008

Letter to Herr's Former Employer #2

Dear Proctor & Gamble-

You may recall that I wrote you a letter not quite two years ago concerning your corporate fuckery in deciding to dissolve the division my husband and several scientists were a part of. Do you remember that? Didn't think so. You are too busy counting your mountains of cash.

At any rate, our life is fine, thank you very much. My husband is gainfully employed and we have recovered from the trauma of being hoodwinked to move half-way across the country, only to be told, "Ha Ha! We were kidding!" a mere 11 months later.

I have spent the past couple of years boycotting your products (except for Swiffers--damn you to HELL!). While I loathe the Target brand of teeth whitening strips, I refuse to purchase yours. We have switched to Colgate and no longer use Crest. While it certainly takes me longer to read the packages to see who the manufacturer, I feel it is worth it and my little way of sticking it to you.

Yesterday, I went to the store because I was in need of some, shall we say, "feminine hygiene" products in a hurry. I ran to the CVS by my house and noticed that Always were on sale. I was in too much of a hurry to actually care that they were a P&G product. I just needed to get home. I raced home, went to the bathroom and ripped open the the package of pads. And then I saw it. You people had the audacity to print on the backing of the pad, "Have a Happy Period."

What. The.Fuck. Is this some kind of sick, twisted joke? Who in the HELL at P&G thought it was a good idea to put those words on pads? Was it someone who actually HAS periods? I refuse to believe that any woman in this world who has experienced the monthly torture of the bleeding, the skin breakouts, the CRAMPS, the crying jags while watching commercials on television, the cravings for fast food and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, would EVER think that it was a fine idea to put the perky words, "Have a Happy Period" on a God-damned maxi pad. Do you think that the average woman will see that and say, "Aww that is so nice that P&G is wishing me nothing but sunshine and lollipops during my period."?

Let me repeat the words I wrote almost two years ago in my first letter to you: Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.


Misfit Hausfrau


Anonymous said...

Amen sister.

Arwen said...

What were they thinking? That's weird on so many levels.

M&Co. said...

Oh and I HATE those television commercials too!

Lumpyheadsmom said...

Seriously? They print that on the pad backing?

If they're gonna do something like that, they could at least make the phrase non-offensive. Like, "Shut up, I'm more bloated than you" or "I'll race you to the candy dish" or "There, there, that commercial gets me too. Have a P&G brand facial tissue."

kimmyk said...

oh dear.

but you cracked me up and well, the fact you said fuck you fuck you fuck and signed it sincerely just totally made me snort.

happy period. who the hell has a happy period?!

Mo said...

Speak it sister!

Cheryl Lage said...

Oh Dear Lord, that is the funniest thing I have read in eons. I just read it aloud to my husband who unbeknownst to him (surprisingly) is about to be beset with his own period-afflicted spouse. I'll never use Crest again -- in your honor.

Kara said...

akin to saying "Have a hapy root canal" fuck you, indeed.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

The only time I had a happy period was that one time in High School when I though I was pregnant.