Monday, February 23, 2009

An Open Letter

To My Fellow Passengers on Sunday's Flight CO2471 (Houston to Nashville), Rows 1-7:

Seriously, what the FUCK!? I know that an airplane in-flight is loud. Very loud. However, it doesn't mean that a person should think that continuously farting during a two hour flight is OK. Let's be clear: it is NEVER OK. It miraculously didn't smell when the flight attendant came down the aisle to issue snacks and drinks, so Stinky McCrappypants KNEW that he/she was being an asshole, in addition to smelling like one. The smell did eventually stop after I kept exclaiming, "OH MY GOD!"

I spent the entire flight narrowing down who could have possibly allowed this hot-dog-water-then-canned-nacho-cheese-then-dead-animal-stuck-in-your-ass-until-you-can't-hold-it-in-another-second-so-let-er-rip-on-the-plane stench to waft over the front of the plane. There were 20 suspects. Let me first start off by saying that it wasn't me (8A). It also wasn't the British couple in 8B and C. They were gagging right along with me, as were their daughters in 7B and C. And while this may sound sexist, I truly believe that there is no possible way that this chemical warfare came from a female over the age of two. I say that because this offensive rot was definitely from the fart subcategory, the SHART. There was shit in that fart, people. A woman would just never do that. That said, that ruled out 1A, 2A, 4A, 4B, 4C, 5A, 5C and 6B.

In addition, I ruled out the man in 3B. I am pretty sure he was Avery Brooks, one of my all-time favorite men of mystery on one of my favorite 80's detective dramas, "Spenser for Hire." You may remember Hawk, Spenser's friend and mysterious confidant. He was a man of few words, but very efficient in taking care of problems. There is no way that Hawk expels gas. I am certain that had Hawk been sitting in my seat, he would have calmly found his Magnum hidden in his briefcase, and capped the ass of the fool who was committing this criminal activity.

At any rate, that leaves five individuals who could have inflicted this torture. I have a feeling it was the person directly in front of me. Let's call him Euro-gibber. He was nothing but trouble the minute he got on the flight and it never stopped. He jibber-jabbered on his cell phone so that all 200 passengers on the plane could hear--thanks! He also cornered the flight attendant after take-off to vent his frustration on the 20 minute delay we experienced prior to take-off. He then went on a rant about his entire travel experience, remarking that everyone at Continental is stupid. When are people going to learn that one should NEVER piss off a flight attendant?! Did he really think she as going to be sympathetic or attempt to help him when he just called her and her brethren STUPID? I noticed that there was no stench while that was going on.

I exacted revenge on Euro-gibber by giving him a flat tire. It was the best thing I could come up with since millions of my brain cells were destroyed on the flight. His glare wasn't nearly as lethal as his stench.

You're Welcome,

Misfit Hausfrau


Anonymous said...

Yes, but did you have the couple that I had next to me??? Massaging and making out the whole flight from Minneapolis to Cancun? I think not.


Misfit Hausfrau said...

But did they smell like ass? Yeah, I thought not.

M&Co. said...

You da man! You showed him.

Anonymous said...

So...cultural beauty and restorative powers of midwinter sojourn to Mexico-not "all that?" Nothing to write home about? Emf

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Oh EMF--there is SO MUCH to write about. It is going to take days and days. I also need to get the photos past the two friends who came with me :)

kimmyk said...

oh my god you crack me up with your honest words! and the way you piece them together? brilliant!

you kill me!

red pen mama said...

Well that was... uh, vivid.

Can't wait to see the pictures.

Of Mexico, I mean.