Letter to Herr's Former Employer #2

Dear Proctor & Gamble-

You may recall that I wrote you a letter not quite two years ago concerning your corporate fuckery in deciding to dissolve the division my husband and several scientists were a part of. Do you remember that? Didn't think so. You are too busy counting your mountains of cash.

At any rate, our life is fine, thank you very much. My husband is gainfully employed and we have recovered from the trauma of being hoodwinked to move half-way across the country, only to be told, "Ha Ha! We were kidding!" a mere 11 months later.

I have spent the past couple of years boycotting your products (except for Swiffers--damn you to HELL!). While I loathe the Target brand of teeth whitening strips, I refuse to purchase yours. We have switched to Colgate and no longer use Crest. While it certainly takes me longer to read the packages to see who the manufacturer, I feel it is worth it and my little way of sticking it to you.

Yesterday, I went to the store because I was in need of some, shall we say, "feminine hygiene" products in a hurry. I ran to the CVS by my house and noticed that Always were on sale. I was in too much of a hurry to actually care that they were a P&G product. I just needed to get home. I raced home, went to the bathroom and ripped open the the package of pads. And then I saw it. You people had the audacity to print on the backing of the pad, "Have a Happy Period."

What. The.Fuck. Is this some kind of sick, twisted joke? Who in the HELL at P&G thought it was a good idea to put those words on pads? Was it someone who actually HAS periods? I refuse to believe that any woman in this world who has experienced the monthly torture of the bleeding, the skin breakouts, the CRAMPS, the crying jags while watching commercials on television, the cravings for fast food and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, would EVER think that it was a fine idea to put the perky words, "Have a Happy Period" on a God-damned maxi pad. Do you think that the average woman will see that and say, "Aww that is so nice that P&G is wishing me nothing but sunshine and lollipops during my period."?

Let me repeat the words I wrote almost two years ago in my first letter to you: Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.


Sincerely,


Misfit Hausfrau

Am I Being a Bitch?

Tonight, I received an email from a relative, requesting my address and my sister's because her mother is getting ready to send out baby shower invitations.

My mother, sister and I are waiting for thank you notes for the rather generous wedding shower gifts AND wedding presents we gave to her and her husband TWO YEARS AGO.  None of us got so much as a kiss-my-ass.  

I was raised in a home where we used manners.  I was raised in a home where we wrote thank you notes.  Period. Amen.  I have instilled this habit in my girls.  They may not really know how to write yet, but I write the notes for them or they draw pictures.  When they are older, they will be expected to do them or they won't keep the gift. And as I am writing this, I am panicking, thinking I may have forgotten to write a note for a birthday gift Genna got after her birthday--shit!  

Am I being unrealistic?  Too uptight?  Too Sanctimonious?

Career Aspirations Dashed

When I picked the girls up from daycare yesterday, Ella was not typical chipper self. After a few minutes of whining in the car, I asked her what was wrong.

"Mommy, Evan told me that mermaids and sharks aren't real."

"Well," I said, "sharks are VERY real."

"But mermaids aren't."

"No, you're right. Mermaids aren't real."

Then the tears started.

"BUT MOMMY, I want to be a mermaid when I grow up!!! What am I going to be NOW?"

"Honey, you can be anything you want to be."

"BUT I WANT TO BE A MERMAID BUT THEY AREN"T REEEEEAAAAALLLLLLL."

"Ella, it's OK. Whatever you decide to be when you grow up will be great. You'll see."

*Sniff*

"OK, I guess I'll be a fairy then."