Sunday, January 27, 2008

She Just Can't Pass Up Pushing a Button

A few days ago, Herr and I picked up the girls from daycare. After about 10 minutes in the car, we suddenly heard Ella SOBBING in the back seat.

"What is the matter, Honey?"

"But, but, GENNA said that the moon is hers and it can't be mine, so I can't look at it out of her window and I can't see it out of miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeee."

Oh course, my reaction is fairly typical for me when faced with this constant nonsense: "Are you KIDDING ME Ella? How OLD are you?!"

*sniff* "Five."

Then I look over at Genna, who is smiling like the Cheshire Cat and making a "heh heh heh" noise.

And then I turned around, looked at Herr, and started to quietly laugh in the sleeve of my coat so the girls wouldn't see. Then I got all stern and told Genna that she is going into timeout when we get home and I inform them both that the moon belongs to everyone.

This sort of game occurs every single day. Ella is the sweet innocent antelope grazing in the savannah, and Genna is the cheetah, going in for the kill. Genna lives for pushing Ella's buttons and driving her to the brink of insanity and she isn't even 3 yet. Ella has been 5 for a couple of months and she continues to fall for it and not stand up for herself. Ella's immediate reaction is to start crying. I have told her to pretend that Genna is an annoying mosquito and that she should just ignore her. But she can't. I have told Genna to stop being mean to her sister. But she can't.

I don't know, maybe this is just the way it is for siblings. I hope not. I don't think I will survive their teenage years if this doesn't stop.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

At Least She Told the Truth

Herr to Genna this evening:

"Hey Genna, are you going to come and snuggle with Ella, Mommy and me in bed or do want to stand in front of the tv and pick your nose?"

"I want to pick my nose."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

This Was Just What I Needed

I came home tonight after having dinner with one of our company's VPs and promptly ate two frozen waffles. Everyone ordered from the "small plates" part of the menu. NO ONE was going to be the one to order an actual dinner. Can you tell it was a dinner of only women? Normally when it is the five of us, we are not afraid to eat, but the VP had everyone on their best dietary behavior. As it was, I was the pig who actually had soup AND a salad, and nibbled on the appetizer (for the record, the food was REALLY good!)

The real bummer was that I have recently developed a sensitivity to alcohol. I can no longer drink wines and many beers without my face turning the crimson and splotchy. I thought I was safe with one of my all-time favorites, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. I didn't even get to drink a third sip. The worst part of the evening occurred on the way out the door when I looked in my wallet and realized that I didn't have a dollar to give the coat check girl. My co-worker and I BOTH had to hit up my boss for a dollar. My co-worker and I tried to be subtle about it, but that didn't work out so well. Wait, no, the worst part of the evening was when I was in the car on the way to the restaurant and mistook my Tide To-Go Bleach pen for lip gloss.

I checked my emails and got the following photos and commentary from my friend Mark. I can't think of a better way to unwind than to make fun of others. Be sure to leave your votes for your favorite photos in my comments section. And if you actually KNOW any of these people, EVEN BETTER! ENJOY!

Actual Olan Mills photos Actual

Those glasses came free with a purchase of Brut cologne
.hose glasses came free with a purchase of Brut cologne.

Thoughtful glance. Mirthful glance. Two sides of a delightful coin.

Drake won Bitchin'est Senior Mullet by a landslide.

That dude wore a tie for nothing.

The Purvis family made several stops along theOregon Trailto document their six-month journey. This photo was taken just two weeks before the dysentery took Momma to Jesus.

I wanted a shot like this for my wedding. The Mrs. said no.

It's called a leisure suit, ladies and germs, and if you didn't have one in the early 70s, you were a big fat loser.

Once they had two or three, how did they ever find enough time alone to make more?

No Comment

Olan Mills backdrop #4: Bucolic Meadow with Split Rail Fence. Is that an animal carcass behind her?

Oh, this is super. What better way to capture the charm and innocence of a child than to plunk him down amid the coarse trappings of a life lived in pursuit of wealth -- oversized bills, an adding machine and the Wall Street Journal -- and make him sit inside a briefcase? (They probably just fold up the little demon right in there to carry him home.) The finishing touch is the globe, which completes the portrait of the young Antichrist in Chess King vest and Red Goose loafers, plotting his takeover of the world (insert maniacal laugh). That is, as soon as someone changes his poopy diaper.

Bobbi isn't the first waitress to fall for her manager, but she and Dale both got fired from Shoney's.

Rejected Toby Keith album cover.

Just a typical afternoon down on the plantation. In a business suit.

Dawn and her recently exhumed sister, Gorgotha, pose with Scraps.

This photo isn't discolored. The 70
' s really were that Orange.

And don't miss the First Presbyterian Players as they perform "Godspell" next Wednesday night in the Fellowship Hall. Childcare will be provided. Please bring a covered dish.

Olan Mills Backdrop #11: The Library, one of their most popular themes, as seen in this photo of the young Unabomber and his wife.

The Library might be more believable if the shelves weren't sloping downhill

Olan Mills is all about versatility. The simple addition of a column turns this generic plantation into Tara,where, apparently, someone opened a Hair Cuttery.

Patrick broke ranks and chose drag over the bow tie

You'd think Pearle Vision would throw in another two pairs for free.

Grapefruit smuggling isn't a crime, but posing it in profile should be.

Kenneth and his prom date

I got a 20 that says he drives a Camaro.

Hiroshima , 1945. The last known photo of Kelli and Senor Loco.

e this was Dad's idea.

Someone spent money on this.

It's so cute when couples have matching hairdos

WTF ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Nothing says 1973 quite like denim and helmet hair

I'd hide my face, too, little girl

B-52's, the early years.

She's looking for the speaker that's piping in "Muskrat Love" so she can blast it with her laser eyes.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Answer The Phones At Your Own Risk

I work in a small regional office for my company. The phone doesn't ring much, but when it does, it is sometimes an unhappy customer or an unhappy employee. A lot of times it's a wrong number. There is a definite increase in weird phone calls when there is a full moon. I could swear it is a full moon right now.

Around noon today the phone rang, and I answered. It was my mother.

"Are you OK?"

I thought she was referring to the blizzard we ended up not getting.

"I'm fine. We didn't get any snow, so I am here at work."

"No Hausfrau. I need to know what is going on. I just called your house and your number is disconnected and the operator said there was no forwarding number. What one EARTH is going on?!"

"Um, Mom, our number is not disconnected. This is the third time in the past year you have called to tell me that my phone is disconnected and it's not. We pay our bills. You're dialing the wrong number."

"Let me check--I dialed 610-867-5309--is that right?"

"Yes Mom. That's right. And it's not disconnected."

"HAUSFRAU! Don't argue with your mother. I am telling you it is disconnected."

"Mom. I will check it myself and call you back." Of course, when I called my house, my phone rang and went into voicemail. I hung up and debated calling her back. I had just spent five minutes talking to a crazy woman who was probably under the influence of bourbon or gin and I still didn't know why she had called. I had work to do. I called her back because I knew she would just keep calling.

I should have known that it would be a mistake to call her back. It was like a two hour Lifetime movie sped up to be 15 minutes in length. There was male-bashing (against my ex-brother-in-law,) witty one-liners, laughter, anger, swearing, and lots of tears. After I calmed her down, I told her I would call her after work and I hung up. I was exhausted.

An hour or so later, my boss got a call from her mother. Her call was much more amusing and interesting. It seems her cousin is the fake Jessica Simpson that the New York Post hired for the Dallas-Giants game.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

2008 Will be Great! Really!

The New Year has started off with a bang for us. We had a fantastic time visiting our friends for a week up in Canada. While it is true that I had pneumonia and didn't know it, and Ella broke her finger and we didn't know it until the next day, and our poor little Bosco ripped his paw at the kennel on New Year's Day and had to go to the emergency vet to get stitches, WE REALLY DID HAVE A GREAT TIME!

Now that we are back to our normal life, we really do have a lot to look forward to in the coming year. Here is my list in no particular order.

1. Genna will be potty trained. She just will. She has to because I am tired of her pooping her pants and lying about it. The problem is that her poop REALLY DOESN'T STINK and it will sit in her diaper for an hour and then she will have a blistering diaper rash. We started the potty training this weekend, and it is going OK. She is now just lying about whether or not she peed or pooped in her panties.

2. Genna will be three next month. I have high hopes for her once she turns three since her two-year-old self has just about killed Herr and me.

3. Ella will start kindergarten in the fall. I can't believe my baby will soon be an actual STUDENT in the fall.

4. We are going to get some home projects done. We are having our 3x7 foot "master" bathcloset (it's not a bathroom!) gutted and remodeled. We are replacing interior doors on the second floor and finishing up installing crown moulding. We are also going to get started on finishing up a small section of the unfinished side of our basement to create more living space. We'll also get started on our kitchen. Just in time for Herr to take a new job and move us somewhere else. Kidding, people. I kid. Maybe.

5. The absolutely best, most fantastic show EVER in the history of television premieres it's fifth and final season tonight. I am so excited about the premiere of The Wire , I almost can't stand myself.

6. Herr and I are going to get to do a bit of travelling this year, sans children. We are heading to Seattle in February to visit some friends. Then we are going to celebrate our 15th anniversary a couple of months early by going to Hawaii in late-July. If anyone has some suggestions for what we should do in Kaui, by all means let me know.

7. I have a huge pile of books to read over the coming months, with a list of many more I want to get.

8. The New York Times is FINALLY delivering our Sunday paper consistently. Now I have the comfort of knowing that I can send the girls to the basement every Sunday morning so that I may drink my coffee in peace and read the "Sunday Styles" section. I absolutely LOVE reading the wedding pages.

9. Speaking of weddings, my friends Mark and Phil are going to have a commitment ceremony in the spring with a reception at MOMA . It will coincide with Herr's birthday, so it should be a blast of a weekend. I also recently heard that my gay cousin has decided he's not gay anymore and is getting married to a woman with two kids sometime this year. Now THAT should be some Hausfrau family fun. I am pretty sure my invite will be lost in the mail because I have been asking the questions that no one else has been asking. Namely, "How is he not gay anymore?!" No one seems to think this is at all strange, which may be an indicator of just how whacked out my family truly is.

10. My friends will be having babies! I have two friends who will be having babies in the next few weeks and I couldn't be more thrilled. One is definitely a girl and the other is unknown. This will allow me to unload a ton of baby stuff so that we can work on the basement, as mentioned in item #4.

11.  And finally, a new President will be elected in November.  I haven't decided if I will vote for Obama or Hillary yet.  I would really just rather vote for Bill again.

How about you? What are you looking forward to?