Saturday, July 30, 2005

Checklist for Saturday 8 AM Weight Watchers Weigh-In

Friday Evening

Stop eating after 8 PM with the exception of a handful of Husband's popcorn (it IS fiber!)

Saturday Morning

Wake Up
Make really strong coffee
Wash face but do NOT moisturize until later in the morning
Decide not to shower as wet hair weighs more
Sit in bathtub and shave legs. Again, do not moisturize until later
Shave pits
Contemplate deodorant. Decide it is best for all if some is applied.
File fingernails
Clip and clean toenails
Clean ears
Trim up split-ends (it needs to be done anyway)
Drink 2 large cups of coffee
Go back to the bathroom--coffee is where it's AT!
Decide between sweat absorbing tank top or lightweight t-shirt (will be working out after weigh-in and they weigh the same)
Cut tags off of new work-out shorts. What's this? An elastic string that I can remove from the waist? Perfect!
Remove wedding ring, diamond ring, charm bracelet and watch
Decide that it is OK to wear a ponytail holder, but not the large barrette
Look in drawer for thinnest socks
Stop drinking 30 minutes before weigh-in
Pee one more time before leaving house

Go to weigh-in and ignore the people staring as I remove ponytail holder with one hand and use the other hand to keep shorts from falling off.

"Congrats Misfit Hausfrau. You are down 2.8 lbs this week!"


Thursday, July 28, 2005

87 Things About Me

1. I was born in a van down by the river. Kidding. I was born in a hospital in Indiana.
2. I was born on April 1, 1969.
3. I used to hate being born on April 1 because my friends would play mean tricks on me.
4. My Mom is Jean, My Dad was Arnold, My sister is Michelle.
5. I grew up in a small town in Indiana between South Bend and Chicago.
6. I am adopted.
7. I've always known.
8. My foster parents, Kitty and Chet, tried to adopt me but couldn't because the state felt they were too old.
9. They were my Godparents.
10. While my sister could pass for being blood-related, I did not.
11. I had a lot of problems dealing with my adoption as a youth.
12. I was convinced that Ginger from Gilligan's Island was my real mother (I had VERY red hair) and I would look for her in stores.
13. I grew up in a very strict household.
14. Lots of discipline, lots of chores. Oh, the chores!!
15. My father became disabled at the age of 41 (I was 6) after having a massive heart attack.
16. My father died on February 15, 2001. I think about him every single day.
17. I met my very first friend, Lorrie on the bus on the first day of kindergarten.
18. We are friends to this day and talk every few weeks.
19. I was your typical not-so-popular dork in school.
20. I was the editor of my high school yearbbook.
21. It did nothing to advance my journalism career.
22. It took me almost 7 years to graduate from Indiana University.
23. But I did.
24. I have a dual degree in Journalism and English with a minor in African American Studies.
25. I met my husband in college. His name is Corey.
26. We waited tables in the same Italian restaurant.
27. We have been married since November 23, 1993.
28. I realized I didn't want to be a journalist during my last semester after taking Media Ethics.
29. I went into publishing instead. Briefly.
30. My husband and I have lived in St. Louis, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, suburban New Jersey, Cincinnati, Bethlehem, PA and soon Nashville.
31. We would move back to Pittsburgh in a New York minute.
32. I love beer.
33. I hate clowns. They scare me. Really.
34. I used to love to fly.
35. Now I am frightened to fly.
36. I took two human resources jobs in my past that required 30%-60% travel in the hopes that I would get over my fear.
37. I do, however, suck up my fear if I am going someplace fabulous.
38. I am blessed to have 8 girlfriends to whom I am quite close.
39. I would walk through a burning building for any of them.
40. After a cancer scare in college, one of my college friends located my birth mother.
41. She lived in a town 25 minutes away from where I grew up.
42. I wrote to her about 12 years ago requesting my medical history. She didn't respond until I threatend to show up on her doorstep (not very mature, I know.)
43. I had been told that I was one of several kids but I was given up for adoption.
44. It ended up that my birth mother had three children and kept one.
45. I found the one she kept.
46. She and I have met and she is very cool. We talk about once a week. Her mother doesn't know. Her mother also doesn't know that she knows about the two kids given up.
47. I am a registered Democrat.
48. Everyone else in my family is Republican.
49. I am Episcopalian.
50. I have two daughters.
51. Both of them have my maiden name for the middle names.
52. I love them so much that it aches.
53. Sometimes I will wake them up at night so that I can love on them.
54. I fear of waking up one day and losing everything I have.  That's pretty much what happened to my parents when my dad became ill.  I guess I am just waiting... 
55. I have so many favorite books.
56. I have several favorite movies. It depends on my mood.
57. Nothing makes me happier than being with my family and friends
58. I totally and completely sweat the small stuff.
59. I love coffee.
60. I love sour cream. And potatoes in all forms.
61. I really love shoes.
62. If I weren't on Weight Watchers, I would eat Kraft Macaroni & Cheese everyday.
63. I'm a pretty good cook.
64. I make good Polish food.
65. I have been to France twice.
66. My younger daughter was conceived there.
67. I love New York.
68. I love Maine.
69. I dislike liver and organ meats in general.
70. I still love going to concerts
71. I would like for David Sedaris to be my second gay husband
72. My friend Jen stood in line for several hours (with her 5 kids) at a Wilco show in Portland, Maine so that the band members would sign a onesie for my newborn daughter. It hangs proudly on my daughter's bedroom wall.
73. I love Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. 
74. I love to travel.
75. I collect old postcards
76. I also collect china.
77. I sunburn very easily.
78. I was always told I was of Scottish heritage. Since meeting my birth sister, I have discovered I am Irish.
79. I used to smoke.
80. I really miss it sometimes.
81. I got high before I ever drank alcohol.
82. I didn't like getting high as it made me really hungry.
83. I have had a penpal from England since 6th grade. We finally met face-to-face last summer when she came to the States.
84. I love getting pedicures.
85. I am good at keeping secrets.
86. My first name is not easy to pronounce but it isn't foreign.
87. I wish I lived closer to my friends.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

WWAGMD? (What would a Good Mommy do?)

OK--what would a good mommy do when it is only 8:19 and your 2 1/2 year old has been up since 6:15, eaten, been on her swingset, taken a walk (including putting several neighbor's newspapers on their porches), eaten her 10AM granola bar at 8AM and has already changed into her third outfit (The swimsuit coverup is her "pretty dress" for the day)? Oh yeah, she has also drawn some artwork for Baby Ava, our friend's daughter who was born yesterday. Did I mention that the baby is not feeling well and is sleeping like crazy????? Naptime for the 2 1/2 year old isn't until 1:30--I am screwed!!!

Oh, yeah--The skies are going to open up ANY MINUTE and rain like it has never rained before.

Again, I ask--what would a good mommy do?

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

And A Good Time Was Had By All

This was the view from our pool at the hotel.

Here are Annie and Jennie, preparing to entertain me when the plane takes off.

I guess they were having trouble finding food while I was gone...

Anywhoooo, I am back, refreshed from my weekend away in Philadelphia. We had a great time entertaining our friend Lisa who was due to have her baby on Friday, but didn't have it until 4:30 this morning (YAY!).

We spent Friday afternoon in the pool at the top of our hotel. It was quite strange to have the view from a pool be high-rises. We sat around reading trashy magazines and eating pringles. Later, we went to our friend Joe's bar, The Walnut Room on 17th and Walnut. Very Swanky!!!! It is so swanky that it doesn't even have a sign on the front door. It doesn't NEED one! After sipping on some champagne there, Joe joined us for dinner at Django. It is a very quaint 12 table restaurant with very expensive and yummy food. My friend Annie had to call for reservations a month in advance and could only get a table at 5PM or 10PM.

The next morning I spent puking my guts out and writhing in pain from a headache. It's embarrasing to admit that I might have been hung over--I only had two glasses of champagne and 2-3 glasses of red wine. However, I am a beer kind of a gal, so my low booze tolerance and the rich food from dinner must have done me in. You know you have good friends when they can sit and actually have a conversastion with each other ten feet away while you are throwing up because someone else beat you to the bathroom.

Two Aleve and a nap later, I was well enough to join the girls for pedicures and shopping. We topped the night off by going to Chinatown and getting takeout and eating it while watching a very bad Lifetime Movie.

Sunday morning we went to Jones for brunch which was WAY YUMMY! We couldn't believe how stoic Lisa was the entire weekend. I had my first child two weeks early I was a complete miserable bitch. Here she was two days overdue and fresh as a daisy!

I flew back to Pittsburgh with Annie and Jenny and then drove the four hours back to Cincinnati, where I cried for the first hour. Then I cried some more when I came home and woke up Baby Girl and Peaches so that I could hug and kiss them. I missed them so!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Girlie Weekend!!!!

I am counting the hours until tomorrow afternoon. It is at that time that I will be leaving for my annual Girlie Weekend with my girlfriends in Pittsburgh.YIIIPPPEEEEEEEE! Can you tell that I am excited?

Every year, we go to Rehobeth Beach, Delaware and laze around. Depending on the year, we have had as few as three or as many as 6 or 7 girls--depending on who could make it. This year, however, we are mixing things up a bit. Annie, Jenny and I are flying out of Pittsburgh to Philly on Friday to hang out with our friend Lisa. Lisa wishes she could lounge on the beach this year, but she can't--she is due to have her baby ANY SECOND. It is our hope that we can amuse her until that happens. I don't want to miss this for anything.

When I gave birth to my daughters, we were in New Jersey, where we had no family to be with us when it was happening. Lisa was the only friend I had who was close enough to visit me both times (and still decided to have a baby anyway!) I would love to be able to do the same for her. When we are not entertaining Lisa, we three will be having spa treatments, drinking champagne, shopping, eating and visting our friend Joe's bar! Please don't hate me!!!

That said, I must admit that I miss my girls already, particularly Peaches. This will be the first time I have left her. They will, however, be in the capable hands of their Daddy and Gramma. I am past the stage that every mother goes through, thinking that only I can take care of my baby, but I still worry. I am pretty sure that Baby Girl won't even realize I am gone, what with the nine trips to "Donalds" and the closet full of new clothes she will more than likely have. I will also find new books and toys days after Gramma is gone.

At any rate, I am sure I will even forget that I HAVE children once Jenny starts pouring the champagne Thursday night...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Sunday Morning Cooking with Misfit Hausfrau

If you are the type of cook who frequently substitutes ingredients for dishes if you don't have something on hand, heed this warning:

If you find that you are out of chick peas when making hummus, do NOT use a can of red kidney beans, thinking it would be an appropriate substitute. Just don't. Trust me. Just go to the store and get the chick peas.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

My Shame

Hello. My name is Misfit Hausfrau. And I am addicted to trashy magazines (Not porn--get your head out of the gutter!). I'm talking about tabloid magazines. I just can't get enough of them.

It started out so innocently. I would buy a Cosmo or In Style or People just before I boarded a plane every other week for my job. I didn't think anything of it because I always had something REAL to read as well-- you know, something from the Oprah Book Club. Then, during the annual Girlie Weekend, my girlfriends and I would buy one of everything so that we be able to amuse ourselves in the car or at the beach. The beachhouse we rent every September is littered with tabloids for the girls (and poker chips and beer for the boys.) But that was it. I wasn't a regular purchaser of tabloids. I mean, come on! I was a Journalism/English double major in college. I was much too busy reading The New Yorker or the Utne Reader to seriously start reading trash!

Fast forward to Cincinnati, Spring 2005. I brought home the groceries and my husband pulled out three "magazines."

"Are you kidding me? What is this shit?"

"Um, just some magazines."

"These aren't magazines, this is crap. Since when are you buying these for something other than a trip? Look at the price of that one! You're going to put us in the poor house, blah, blah, blah. Who are you and what have you done with my wife? MY wife used to bring home the U.S. News and World Report, not Life & Style."

I have managed to change the day I grocery shop so that I can buy the latest issues! I put them on my nightstand, mixed in with my subscription magazines and ten books so as not to draw attention to them.

I realized last night that perhaps I am going a little overboard with my new hobby. I was staring at my latest cache--Life & Style, Star and The Enquirer. All three have the SAME exclusive photos of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's wedding. But I had to get them all. See, I have a vested interest in their union. My favorite TV show is Alias. Jennifer Garner used to date one of her co-stars, Michael Vartan. The season finale cliffhanger implies that Michael Vartan might be killed off. If that is the case, I will stop watching. And I just KNOW he will be off the show because of Ben's jealousy. See, one of my friends knows Ben Affleck because they worked on a movie together. Apparently Ben is a douchebag. Maybe there is a clue about the show in one of these issues...

But I digress.

Anyway, it's not like I read The Globe or The Weekly World News. I have no interest in reading about Jane in Leeds England who saw the Virgin Mary in her fish and chips. I DO have some standards.

Wait, it's Thursday! My People should be in the mailbox!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Prisoner in My Home

I am a prisoner in my home on Mondays and Wednesdays. You see, I am afraid to leave my home with both kids in tow. I have come to realize that I truly suck as a parent. I have several girlfriends who do this very thing ALL THE TIME and I don't hear them complaining. Hell, my friend Jen has 5 kids and she actually travels with them. On airplanes. She even takes them on trips in her EuroVan and they all sit quietly and read books, etc.

The entire process of getting ready to go out with the girls is dizzying. Truly, the only place I have taken the girls together is Costco twice because they have humongous carts.

The main problem is that I can't manage our double strollers. I can't even lift them to put them in the car, much less open them. Unfortunately, my older daughter has run into the road and into a parking lot, so it's not as though I can trust her to obediently hold my hand at the mall and leisurely push Peaches in a 2 lb. umbrella stroller. I did purchase a harness (leash) that looks like a monkey backpack, but I am just not ready to deal with the disapproving glares we will surely receive when Baby Girl is wearing it.

The two times we have ventured out have started out like this:

As I pulled out of the driveway Baby Girl SCREAMED for "rinnis" (raisins) or a "mugga bar" (granola bar), despite the fact that she just ate a huge breakfast. Then, she wanted a crayon and paper to color. Telling her that I needed to drive the car to get to our destination was not a good enough reason for her, so more screaming ensued. Then we unfortunately drove past a "Donalds" (McDonald's), at which time Baby Girl was WEEPING because we wouldn't stop for french fries and chicken nuggets (it's 9 AM). One would think we eat their nightly based on the passionate pleas coming from the back seat (I blame Gramma and PBS for this--thank you very little). Just as Baby Girl started to simmer down, I heard from another nation. It seems that Baby Girl had just winged a book/toy/shoe at Peaches and she wanted to tell me all about it. Not to be outdone, Baby Girl then started competing with Peaches to see who could scream the loudest. I would imagine that Saddam Hussein would confess to all of his crimes if he would ride with us for the 20 minutes it takes to get to Costco.

Things then went from bad to worse when we got into Costco. The acoustics are FABULOUS. It was amazing how much louder the children screamed there than they did at home. By the end of both trips, I needed to lay in bed with cold compresses. When my husband came home on those two evenings he asked, "Honey, do you have a migraine?"

"No, we went to Costco."

At some point in time, I will be brave and venture out with the girls. Until then, I will stay in the confines of my home until Baby Girl is at school.

Friday, July 08, 2005

To the Nice Lady Who Works at My Gym

I am begging you to please stop talking to me while I work out. It is NOT my fault that I am the only one here. Your gym advertises a 30 minute work out. How can that be when you incessantly babble about yourself, your family and your pets? Worse, you ask me questions that require more than a grunt for an answer. As it is, there are 11 pieces of circuit equipment and 11 steppers between them. If I do each piece twice at the rate of 40 seconds per piece, and take three 40 second breaks to check my heart rate, that equals 30 minutes.

I am here to do a job, not make friends. I absolutely despise working out and you are prolonging MY agony with your constant blathering. My job is to get in and get out. If I come in at 6:17 pm, I expect to leave at 6:37 pm.

Not 6:45 pm.

Not 6:57 pm.

Please don't think I am not friendly. I always smile and say "Hello" when I walked in. I always say "Good Bye."

Also, please stop asking me if I am OK. I always look like I am having a heart attack when I work out. But I'm not.

And, grateful as I am for the invitation, you have asked me four times if I am interested in going to your church. I'm not. I also don't want to buy any Mary Kay cosmetics.

So please, go back to whatever it was that you were doing before I walked in. Thank you.

Oh yes. Could you please tell the owner of the gym to PLEASE take down the mirrors that run the length of one side of the gym? I do not enjoy watching my flabby self flabbing about on the equipment.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

ISO Hairstylist Who GETS Me

Well, I've been in Cincinnatti for two months now. It is time to find a hair stylist. Keep in mind, I haven't been too concerned about finding an OBGYN or a dentist, but BY GOD I have to find a salon.

Because I have moved so many times over the years, I have come to dread this task. Finding a stylist might be worse than dating. You see, I don't just have bad hair days. I have a bad hair LIFE. And it's all my fault. While I would very much like to have gorgeous, sexy locks, I don't want to actually have to DO anything to get them that way.

Over the years, I have had my share of really bad stylists, but I have been fortunate to find some really good ones to.

In St. Louis, there was Donna. She was a waitress at The Olive Garden, where I was a bartender. She dated Earl the Surly Cook. She was your typical Heroin Addict/Crackwhore with a Heart of Gold. One day, she asked me if I would consider being a hair model for her because she was working on renewing her license and she liked my "virgin hair." That meant that I had never had it colored. Once I found out I could get a free color and cut, I was in. Happily (and luckily), she did a good job, passed her test and got a job at a salon. I remained faithful until we moved to Maryland.

Since I don't remember my stylist in Maryland, I either A) Never got my hair cut, or B) I never found a stylist I liked.

In Pittsburgh, it took me 6 months to find Lori at Jakay's in Plum Boro, PA. When I first met Lori, I remembered being scared of her. She was about 6 feet tall, had fierce feathered hair and could totally kick my ass. SHE WAS AWESOME! Not only was she a super nice person and gave great hair cuts, but she was HONEST. I would come in with all of these crazy ideas for a hairstyle. A typical response was, "Um, no honey, I'm NOT going to give you Jennifer Aniston hair. You won't pull it off." I also LOVED the fact that after she cut my hair she would style it so that it was mega-big hair. While it wasn't my taste to wear my hair like that every day, it was certainly fun to come home and startle my husband. My girlfriend Annie still goes to her and loves getting poofy hair too. I loved her so much that, after I moved to New Jersey, I tried to get her to cut my hair when I would come back to Pittsburgh for business. Incidentally, the only time my husband has ever noticed that I got my hair done was when I came home poofy from Jakay's.

It took me 2 years to find my next stylist. I will call her "Pamela Anderson's Long Lost Sister." A friend of mine worked as a masseuse at a salon/day spa and referred me to her. I had some serious doubts when I met P.A.L.L.S. She was far too pretty to understand my hair angst. She had never had an ugly day in her life. But she was great. I liked her right away because she didn't recoil in horror at my recent bout of cradle cap (I know--I'm 36 WTF?!) I officially fell in love with her when I made the mistake of coloring my hair on my own after Peaches was born. It was a disaster. Not only did it NOT hide the gray, but I missed half of my head. The half that wasn't missed was a very unattractive shade of red/orange. I went in and begged her to fix it. She got down to business and made my hair beautiful. She was even nice enough to write everything down so that I can give to the NEXT stylist I find.

And so the search begins...

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


Originally uploaded by misfithausfrau.

I want Scooby Snacks

Originally uploaded by misfithausfrau.
I want crackers. I want to wear a pretty dress. I want juice. I want to kiss my baby sister. I want to play slide/swing. I want to wear sandals. I want dinner. I want mugga bar. I wanna watch Dora. I want to play chalk.

Most Likely to be Voted Class Clown

Originally uploaded by misfithausfrau.
Hi. My name is Baby Girl. My Auntie Lori calls me "Clown Around Town." My turn-ons are clown noses and pushing my Mommy's buttons.

My Husband With Peaches

Originally uploaded by misfithausfrau.

Sooo Hungry...

I am so freaking hungry right now, I can't stand it. I just ate a hummus sandwich on a english muffin with low-fat cheese. Only one. I would like seven more.

Yes, I am on Day 2 of Weight Watchers.

If any of you have been on WW before, I am sure you are thinking, "Eat some carrots or cucumbers." or "Whenever I'M hungry, an apple always fills me up.

Hush it.

We all know that is a load of crap. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days of doing something for it to become a habit. Well, I have 19 more days of being completely bitched up before this flaming craving for salty snacks subsides. If I lose 10 lbs in those remaining 19 days, it will have been worth it. If I don't, there will be Hell to pay.

The thing is, I know it works. My husband and I did it two years ago before I got pregnant with Peaches. While I am grateful that he does it with me, I don't appreciate the fact that all he really did the last time was give up drinking beer and lost 30 lbs. in 2 months. I basically survived on oxygen and water and lost 25 lbs. after 4 months.

This time, I have to achieve my goal. I got hoodwinked into going to my 20 year class reunion in two years. I vowed after attending the 10 year reunion that I would never go again. Much too awful. However, my friend Chris really wants to go but only if I go with him. OF COURSE HE WANTS TO GO! He is gorgeous, tan and got a nose job (not that he needed one!)

So here I sit. Hungry. Irritated.

I wonder how my hair would taste with ranch dressing...

Monday, July 04, 2005

July 4th Weekend

We just got back from a weekend in Western Kentucky visiting our friends Lori and Jeff. They moved out there about 5 years ago from Indiana and live in a pretty and secluded subdivision with only 14 homes and acreage between the houses. Their home is beautiful--the perfect size for themselves, their three dogs, Nixon, Socks and Emit. In addition, the neighbor's schnauzer Dexter stays there all the time. He almost went home in my suitcase because I couldn't understand why his owner's didn't care that he was constantly over at the house. He even spent the night in the living room Saturday night!!!!

When I wasn't chasing Baby Girl and sticking her in a corner for being fresh, I would sit out on the deck or the sitting area in the front of the house and think about how much I miss my house in New Jersey. Now, my house in New Jersey wasn't even CLOSE to being as nice as their's. Our home here in Ohio is great and we wanted to have sidewalks and neighbors for our kids to play with. But I miss the solitude. We had over an acre of land with no one behind us and privacy fencing on the sides. It was very quiet, despite being under the flight patterns for both Newark and Philadelphia Airports. Oh yeah, and I MISS MY GOD D*@* POOL!!!!! The pool in my subdivision is smaller than the one I had back in NJ, and they expect 170 famillies to enjoy it?! I see kids walk to the pool every day with their floaties around their bellies. There is no way that more than ten of them can fit in the pool at the same time.

At any rate, I am sure I will look back on this in a few years and shake my head when I see my kids going to a neighbors house while I enjoy a different kind of solitude...