Sunday, March 26, 2006

That Karma--She Is a Bitch

Is it so wrong to not want to go to a friend's house for a Sunday lunchtime playdate? Our husbands are out playing golf today and we decided to get together so that all the girls could play together late morning. Peaches woke up this morning really fussy and feverish. I knew she was cutting a tooth, but I layed it on a bit thick when I called my friend to bag the playdate. I was sort of excited to have the morning off--I painted Peaches' bedroom yesterday so it would look better when the house goes up for sale. I wanted to spend the morning doing touch-ups and putting things back. I also wanted to run to the store and get a curtain rod for her room and some sheers for Baby Girl's room.

In the 67 minutes we were away from home the following happened: I got a speeding ticket for going 61 mph in a 40mph zone ( a stretch of road that is 55 mph with the exception of a small stretch of road AFTER a steep hill--who knew?). We finally got to the store, at which point Baby Girl decided she needed to go to the bathroom. No problem, right? WRONG! Baby Girl can spot an automatic flushing toilet a mile away and WILL NOT go on one. Even if I cover the sensor part with toilet paper. Do you know how hard it is to hold toilet paper over a sensor thingie AND hold your daughter's two hands so that she won't touch the toilet? After ten minutes of negotiating the toilet, Baby Girl decided she didn't really need to go anyway. Fair enough. No sooner did we get to the back of the store when she said,
"Mommy, I really need to go to the potty."
"Honey, are you actually going to go?"
"Yes, Mommy. I will be brave."

Fine, we went BACK to the front of the store (did I mention it's a big store?) and into the bathroom. I carefully laid the toilet paper on the seat, pulled down her pants and set her down. And then it happened. The toilet flushed, even though I covered up the sensor thingie. After much screaming and crying, she said she would be brave and she peed. YAY! Trauma over. We finished up our business and went BACK to the back of the store. As I am picking out some cute shoes for Peaches (What--I'll get to the curtain rods in a minute--they are right on the way!), Baby Girl said,
"Mommy, I really need to go to the potty again. I really,really do."
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? We JUST WENT! Do you really need to go?"
"Yes Mommy."

I put the merchandise on the shelf and headed back to the front of the store. Baby Girl was very excited to be "brave" again and happily went potty, washed her hands and was done.

Great. Back to the shoes. I found some cute blue sandals for Peaches for a wedding in April and found a cute dress for Baby Girl. On to the curtain rods. No problem. I got a set of cheap curtain rods and got ready to get in line at the front. Of course it's a long wait. It only makes sense that Baby Girl would start singing one of her favorite tunes. That's what she does when we are in line at a store. Typically it is something from Laurie Berkner or the Dora theme song. Not today. It seems that she is memorizing song lyrics from the Wilco cd that is in my car. First she sang the verse from "Jesus, etc"

last cigarettes
and all you can get
turning your orbit around

There is something REALLY BAD about hearing the word "Cigarette" come out of the mouth of a happily singing 3 year old. The woman in front of me could not whip around and glare at me fast enough. Oh, but it got better. Then Baby Girl sang the chorus from "Heavy Metal Drummer,"

I miss the innocence I've known
Playing KISS covers, beautiful and stoned

Oh yeah, she SCREAMED the word STONED.

That pretty much caused all conversations in the lines on both sides of us to cease. The lady in front of me turned back around and said, "Whatever is she singing?" I told the woman it was a song from preschool. Baby Girl then said, "NO it's NOT! It's WILCO! From Mommy's CAR!"

With a flaming red face, I finally we got through the line and paid for my purchases. I told Baby Girl to stand up in the cart so that I could put her coat on. She had a pained expression on her face, but she stood up. That's right people, the girl who just had marathon peeing session in the bathroom peed her pants and on the coat she was sitting on. I don't even know where all the pee CAME from since she didn't drink all of her milk this morning. At about this time, Peaches started screaming because we had been dicking around for so long and it was past her lunch time. To shut her up, I opened up my backpack to give her some pretzels. The zipper promptly broke and my wallet and everything else fell out. After cleaning up the mess and getting the pee soaked coat onto Baby Girl, we got ready to head out the the parking lot. In a hail storm. Baby Girl had never been experience hail before so she had to scream and cry about it. Once in the car, we drove back home. I did the speed limit and everything. The cop who pulled me over earlier passed me by on the road and waved. Jackass.

All this because I didn't go to a Sunday Playdate.


AdventureDad said...

Oh my God. That's one horrible day. Is that the payback for the dishwasher argument..... *hiding behind the couch*

Hope the coming week is better


Shelly said...

That sucks.

Velma said...

Your morning sounds painfully familiar to me! Not today, but sooooo many other times.

(In my case, the checkout line concert was my daughter belting out the White Stripes:

"Come and kiss me by the riverside
Bobby says it's fine
he don't consider it cheating.")

kimmyk said...

Yep. Karma, she's a bitch alright.

Sounds like Baby Girl got really excited over that song. Tell her she's not alone...musicians make me pee my panties too.

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

Alex does:

"My baby don't mess around
Beacause she loves me so
And this I know fo SHO-OO-OOH!

Goes over great in a catholic preschool.

I wish I were there today to offer you a shot with a beer chaser.

wordgirl said...

Poor you! Maybe all that bad stuff happened in one afternoon so that it won't get all spread out over the next week. Maybe.

Alisyn said...

It might have been embarassing, but your kid belting Wilco lyrics out loud earns you major rock n' roll street cred. Wee!

Kristen said...

Bryce is famous for the bathroom repeats too. Especially at restaurants. Right when our food comes. SIGH.

I can't believe you got a speeding ticket on top of all that...geez, what a crap day.

adria said...

Oh yes, karma is one evil bitch.

And, I accidentally played Prince's "sexy MF" once when Daria was around. I did not think she was paying attention to the lyrics, but sure enough a few hours later she started singing the chorus. Luckily, we were at home, so there were no witnesses or calls to child protective services.

p-man said...

That is rich. I have been hiding the Interpol record from our daughter. I feel like I am living a lie, but imagine it is to be preferred to the alternative you describe.

Kara said...

... and THAT is why i love children...

MetroDad said...

I'm so sorry, Misfit! I'm sorry that you had such a rough weekend. But most of all, I'm sorry that I'm laughing so hard. Too funny. Hope things have calmed down!

M&Co. said...

Wow! You should have gone on that playdat.

DancesWithScorpions said...

What I need to know is where does Peaches go when you & Baby Girl are in the stall? Does she wait in the cart patiently? You can't fit her in the stall can you? Or do you use the handicap stall? Is this a whole different topic that should be covered for us novice moms who are afraid to pee when in a store for fear of trying to fit the cart in the stall?

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Peaches was in the cart and we were using the handicapped stall. She was laughing at us the whole time. No lie.

L. said...

It`s funny how many days are like that - and yet no one believes us when we tell stories like this!

I believe you, though....and I feel your pain.

theyellowwallpaper said...

First, Wilco - Peaches has great taste in music. Very immpressive.

Second, hee-hee...I can't help myself. Three year olds just love to say the darndest things. Very cute.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Ouch. I guess next time suck it up and go to the playdate.

IzzyMom said...

"NO it's NOT! It's WILCO! From Mommy's CAR!"

Kids are so honest. They'll sell out on you every time ;-)