Thursday, December 08, 2005

A Little Ditty About Ralph and Di

Ralph and Di are complete assholes. They are utter annoyances that refuse to leave me alone. They arrived late Sunday night while I was sleeping. Unlike MIM's Agnes who was just quietly annoying, Ralph and Di are loud, smelly and obnoxious. Like I said, they came by around 11:00 PM on Sunday night. I mean, how rude is that?

"Hey HAUUUSFRAUUUU, I'm BAAACCCK!" shouted Ralph. "Hurry up and get in the bathroom so we can catch up. It's been awhile."

"But I'm sleeping. And I've got to go to the gym tomorrow morning. And Baby Girl has art class too. I don't have time to hang with you. I have nothing to say to you." I decided to ignore him and turned over.

But Ralph was not about to be ignored. Ralph can be, shall we say, persuasive. I ran to the bathroom. After a brief discussion, I went back to bed. Just as I was getting back to sleep, he woke me up again. And again. And again. And again. I lost count after seven times.

As if that wasn't enough, Di suddenly surfaced with Ralph at her side.

"How you doin', Hausfrau?"

"What are you doing here, Di? I'm tired and Ralph is wearing me out. What do you want?"

"Ralph and I want to race with you. Let's see who makes it to the bathroom first. READYSETGO!"

DAMMIT! I barely had a chance to leap out of the bed before those two rushed ahead of me. While I could manage to lose a race to Ralph, it is NEVER OK to lose a race to Di. No matter what. I barely beat both of the them to the toilet--the finish line. Later I had the same dilemna. I looked around the bathroom desperately for help because I knew Ralph was hot on my tail.

"Scott? Viva? Where are you guys?" Fortunately I found Viva cowering under the sink. This was no time for weakness.

These games went on and on through the night and into the next day. I was exhausted and useless, and REALLY tired of the bathroom. But I didn't want them to be seen anywhere else. I have children to protect after all.

They left sometime during the night on Monday. No goodbyes or thanks for my hospitality. But that was OK. I understand the relationship. I was relieved that they came and left before the holidays, where they really could have put a crimp in our style at Hausfrau Haus.

Can you believe that those assholes CAME BACK LAST NIGHT? This is a first. They don't usually leave for a day and come back. I can't believe they didn't have someone else to harass. First, Ralph spent some time with Baby Girl which was quite distressing. She hadn't seen him since she was nine months old. She just has no experience in dealing with his sneakiness. But it only appeared that he wanted to hang with her for a couple of hours. By bedtime, he was gone. Or at least I thought he left.

Ralph and Di woke me up AGAIN last night. All. Night. Long. I am just too old for this shit. I haven't run since I was on the junior high track team, so I am just not equipped to deal with these marathons. The good news is that Ralph got tired and left early. I am waiting for Di to get the hell out of my house. Unfortunately, I have no say as to her comings and goings. I just hope she shuts the door behind her when she goes.


Candace said...

Oh you poor thing. Feel better soon!

Horace Finkle said...

Nice blog. Very funny! Definitely worth the read. Like to laugh? Check me out at:

Hope you feel better quick!

Chag said...

It took me until the fourth paragraph to realize what you were talking about. I'm a bit s-l-o-w sometimes.

Hope you feel better soon!

Kristen said...

I'm with Chag, also didn't "get it" until almost end! Hope you feel better soon, though!!

MetroDad said...

Hilarious, Misfit. Hope you're feeling better today!

adria said...

So funny!!!
I hope they leave your home ASAP. The only good part of Ralph and Di's visit is afterwards your favorite jeans will fit better than before their unwelcome arrival. I wish you well.

I first thought you were talking about relatives staying with you. Thanks for the giggles.

wordgirl said...

It's the most awful way to lose weight...but it does give you a great head start if you're looking to do that. shrinks your stomach's capacity for food. Clever, clever post!

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Adria and Wordgirl are right about the weight loss. I am fitting in the next size down for the first time in two years. This is great, but my current diet is Gatorade. Once I eat a grape, it'll all be over!

kimmyk said...

OMG..i can't breathe!

It took me two times reading and scrolling down cause I thought I missed something about house guests...shit I'm still laughin here and the damn dog thinks i'm crazy.

OMG great post!

I hope you feel better soon!

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

And I will thank you yet again for sharing the love with me. I'm sitting here waiting to hurl after being up all night with a sick Owen.

Hänni said...

I totally didn't get it either at first. I was like "what the eff is her friend doing in the bathroom?" But then I realized Ralph wasn't your friend at all. You poor dear. Hope you're feeling better.

First time reader - this is funny stuff. From one hausfrau to another, adieu!

Kim said...

How the heck do you stay hydrated enough for breastfeeding when you can't keep water down???

MIM said...

Jeez, Misfit! They are WAY worse than Agnes!

Andie D. said...

Ha! I actually thought you were talking about your IN-LAWS at first!

Wait, maybe you were.

Shrinking Violet said...

That is too funny. I can't wait to tell my co-workers so they can quit using the more desriptive term of "the shits".

LoryKC said...

You poor thing!
I hope such a humorous post means that you are feeling a little better?
Di has been here too but either Ralph thankfully got lost or has just been to busy at your house!!
At least all should be well by Christmas!

Kara said...

hope you're feeling better!