Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Why The Holidays Need to Be Over Sooner Rather Than Later

Misfit Hausfrau is getting annoyed. So annoyed, in fact, that she is starting to refer to herself in the third person. That can never be a good sign.

I have been trying to keep my annoyance from seeping into my home and polluting the air. I am disappointed in myself that I am not a little happier right now, what with the holidays coming and all. Sure, I have been baking millions of cookies and filling dozens of pierogies. I have been consulting with my mother to plan our traditional Polish Christmas Eve dinner. I have wrapped presents and decorated the house. At this point, Baby Girl only knows that Christmas is the birthday of the Baby Jesus. She thinks that the presents under the tree are for him, which I think is really sweet. Peaches spends most of her day trying to get all McGyver with the ottomans that are protecting the tree from her wily fingers and razor sharp chompers. This is good stuff people! These are the things holiday memories are made of. Right?

Unfortunately, my irritation is stemming from the world that is outside of my home. And while I refuse to let these things ruin a holiday, I need to get them off my chest.

All I wanted to get was my prescription. Just a quick trip. But NOOOOOOOO, every Jackass from here to Dayton has to drive to MY Target at 9:00AM to shop. In -13 degree weather. It doesn't help that half of the shopping center is under cosntruction and they have blocked all entrances but one to get to the Target. It took 45 minutes to drive in, stand in line to get said prescription, and drive out of the parking lot. And I didn't even get sidetracked in the shoes or toys. Hmph!

The Bitch walked in the door and saw me waiting next to the checkout for a customer's cart--the kind you can put a baby in. There weren't any other carts left in the store. I was holding a 19 lb. baby in the puffiest, most slippery coat ever. I was also holding the hand of my 3 year old. As the customer was getting ready to give me the cart, Baby Girl pulled me 6 inches in the other direction. The Bitch blew past me AND TOOK THE CART! My "Hey" and "Excuse me, but that was really rude!" were ignored as she flew with the cart to the back of the store. I didn't have the luxury of standing around waiting for another cart, so I trudged to the shoe section to buy boots for Baby Girl. Because I didn't have a cart for the baby, I had to put her down to help my other daughter try on boots. Because of that, she crawled away. Because of that, someone hit her with their cart. And then she ate things off the ground. And then I got dirty looks from other customers. And then when I was paying for my purchase, the Bitch brought back her EMPTY CART to the front of the store and walked out without buying anything.

Someone Keeps Stealing Baby Jesus!

Would you just stop already?! While I understand that technically the Baby Jesus shouldn't be in the manger until Christmas Eve, but it doesn't mean you have to steal it. Twice. And cut off the second one's leg in the process. Were you dropped on your head at birth?

I would love to know what Wal-Mart is paying Beyonce, Queen Latifah, Garth Brooks and some other country chick to whore themselves in their "Home for the Holidays" commercials. Wal-Mart doesn't get enough business during the holidays? Apparently not since they would rather pay people who would NEVER STEP FOOT in a Wal-Mart to hawk their wares.

The "Don't Call it Happy Holidays, it's Merry Christmas" People and the "Don't Call it Merry Christmas, it's Happy Holidays" People
Just shut the hell up already.

The Mail I Am Receiving from Area Churches
I don't mind getting the mail from the local churches, I really don't. What bothers me are the messages written on the postcards. One actually advertised that they WOULDN'T be conducting services on Christmas Day so that the ministers could be with their families. What? Why are we calling it Christmas then? Another postcard listed that I should attend their church because they provide free Starbucks and scones after their service. I really wish I wouldn't have thrown them away when I got them.

Gingerbread Lattes (aka Crack) from Starbucks
Best. Non-Alcoholic Drink. Ever. They are so good, in fact, that I would drink three everyday if I could. But then I would weigh 700 lbs. So I limit myself to just one each holiday season. Unfortunately, I drank my latte in mid-November. I need Starbucks to remove them from the menu. Now.

I could go on and on, but I have more pierogies to make. And children to feed and bathe. And trips to Indiana to pick up depressed, sickly mother for holiday fun!


Candace said...

Hey! Pete wanted me to make pierogi for Christmas but I told him to go to hell! Ok, no I didn't, but I told him I didn't wanna.

We really do need to meet up at some point.

wordgirl said...

Hausfrau...I feel your pain. I really do. The outside world is ashambles. I could talk about why I think that is so, but it's too young in my bloging career to piss off new friends.

Instead, I'll just say that you know and I know (and everyone else out there in Blogger Nation knows) that Beyonce and Queen Latifah and Garth Brooks would not darken the door of Wal-Mart do any shopping beyond a desperate/last minute search for panty hose or bag lettuce. No sirreee! I'm SO sure that Beyonce's mother would be happy with the Wal-Mart 50% Off throw pillows that came from the bottom of the bin and that don't even match her couch. Not with all the money her baby girl is pulling down. I'm just not buying it.

wordgirl said...

I meant, "blogging"...not "bloging"

Susan said...

I have tried and tried and TRIED to get some holiday spirit going on here, but god help me, I have listened to every version of The Twelve Days Of Christmas ever recorded (TWICE!) and I've still got nothing. And this despite the cute cards that fill my mailbox every day (making me feel guilty that I didn't get my own card made) and the beautiful bracelet my mother-in-law bought me (making me feel guilty that I was such a shopping slacker) and my kids' shiny excitement about Santa coming (countered by the fighting and complaining about the gifts they have already gotten).

I'll say it: I WANT THIS CHRISTMAS TO BE OVER. Right now.

How sad is that?

kimmyk said...

i want a gingerbread latte-that sounds so good.

and i totally feel ya on everything else ya said-except my kids are older and they dont eat off the floor-well, not that i know about. there's always that 5 second rule ya know?

it'll be alright. couple more days.

hope you enjoy your time with your family!

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

Okay. Tomorrow I'll put on my balls and go take a picture of my neighbor's house. Then you'll see YOU have nothing to complain about. We have all of our lights out, and I can still read the teeny tiny words in my latest bedtime read. After all, I have the glow and hum of the neighbor's holiday display to read by.

They have 3 snow globes on their lawn. Uh huh. And that's just for starters. Oh for shit's sake, where's my camera? I know it's around here somewhere...

Chag said...

I think I was at the exact same Target today!

Kristen said...

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only scrooge around right now. We have a zillion birthdays between the 18th and the 30th, too. Just got back from one of the birthday parties tonight. I was cornered by an old family friend who I usually enjoy talking to, but I just couldn't get into the whole thing this year. It just feels like too, too much. Let's move on to January, what do you say?

theyellowwallpaper said...

Nothing like cramped stores, filled with grouchy people to put you in the spirit.

Hang in there and maybe adding a little "spirit" to your Gingerbread Latte might be the trick :o)

Anonymous said...

Yeah...The whole celeb Walmart thing is a bit much. It kind of goes along the same lines as Snoop Dog and Lee Iacoca( I am sure I did not spell his name right) strolling on the golf course for Chrysler. It really made me want to rush out and buy that new 300C.

Dutch said...

If I were a judge, I would sentence Beyonce and Garth Brooks to twenty years of wearing Wal-Mart blue jeans for polluting the airways with those spurious misrepresnetations of their own shopping habits, which in both cases probably involve diamond-encrusted belt buckles.

Just sayin'. . .

MetroDad said...

pierogies? Did someone say pierogies? I love pierogies! Misfit, you never mentioned anything about a Polish background and a love of pierogies! I think I love you even more now!

Sorry the ass-hats are bumming out your holidays. Don't worry. it will all be over soon. Best of luck to you!

MIM said...

Oh, HONEY! That sounds awful. Really. But it was sooooooo funny. But I'm laughing with you. I swear. Oh wait. You're not laughing. I'm leaving now.

Jill said...

I feel so cheery after reading this. HA! Seriously, I'm giggling.

Oh, and you should have just kicked that cart steeler lady in the fanny as she walked away with your cart! I have a 22 month old and if someone had done that to me, I probably would have purposely followed her around with my kid.... She was just tacky.

minimal_free_reign said...

Just so you know, Advent is a separate holiday season from Christmas, so you can have another latte sometime after December 25th. Look for a sign from God telling you when the time is right.

Suburban Turmoil said...

You crack me up! This was great! I second everything.

L. said...

I had a similar Target experience, because, although I had all of my shopping done, our au pair wanted to go shopping at the last minute and asked me to go with her! I found that parking was worse than the actual shopping.
Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Andie D. said...

I'm a tad bah humbugish myself. It probably has to do with the fact that I gave up caffeine (WHY? OH GOD WHY?) on the advice of my doc.

Thank you so very much for letting me know about the gingerbread lattes! Mmmmmmm.... They better freakin' come in decaf!

Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year to you and yours!

Kara said...

if nobody's looking, you can have all the starbucks you want. you frigging deserve it for enduring the kohls cart thing without decking that lady.

good news, it's almost over! yay!