Thursday, June 15, 2006

My Babies' Daddy

"Hey Herr,"Jennifer the Nurse said, "it's time for you to come over here and grab one of Hausfrau's legs. It's time for her to start pushing."

Both Herr and I instantly went pale. This was NOT part of the plan. His only jobs while I was in labor were to stay at my shoulder and rub my hair--and order my epidural. At no point in our birthing classes at the hospital was "this" discussed. Sure, I fell asleep a couple of times in the class (it was from 7:00pm-9:15pm--I was freaking tired!) but I am sure Herr would have remembered the instructor mentioning that the husbands were actually expected to be a part of the process down there. I had commanded (and he agreed) that he had no reason to be going south of my belly for a look-see while I was in labor. He didn't even know my real weight. Why would I let him see my hoo-haa whilst pushing out a baby?!

In my head, I was thinking, "Shitshitshitshit. We're having a baby. It's all we ever wanted. My pregnancy was great, but now the baby is actually coming OUT. Of my hoo-haa. And Herr is going to see it. And then he will pass out. And then he will never want to have sex with me again."

I can't speak for Herr, but I am imagining he was thinking, "Shitshitshitshit, I don't wanna look, I don't wanna look, I don't WANNA LOOK! Hmm. I guess it's a good thing I decided not to eat the pizza in the cafeteria. SHIT! I don't want to be HERE!!!!! I may never have sex again!!!"

About 15 minutes into the process, Herr asked Jennifer the Nurse when the doctor would be coming in to take over for him. She hauled off and slugged him (I shit you not) and said, "What do you think this is, the Beverly Hills Hospital? You are staying there until I tell you otherwise."

The pushing went on for nearly two hours. The first hour I was just so terrified. I couldn't get a good breath even though I was on oxygen. I couldn't get the hang of the pushing. I would look at Herr and he looked more scared than I felt. Finally, I must have made a good push because Herr said, "OH MY GOD, the baby's head is coming out--it's almost OUT!"

Again, Jennifer the Nurse hauled off and slugged him and said, "No it's NOT! What's WRONG with you?! We can see the crown--that's all. She's got a ways to go!"

Almost another hour went by. Finally, Jennifer came over to me and whispered, "You really need to get this baby out. The baby's heartrate is too high. And I'd really like to eat my lunch. If you don't push this baby out in the next 10 minutes, you're going to have to have a c-section."

A few pushes later, Baby Girl was born. I didn't look at her right away though. I was busy looking at Herr. He was sobbing and saying, "Oh my God, look at our little girl. She's perfect. You did it. I'm so proud of you."

In an instant, Herr became a father.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years and I can now hardly remember a time when we didn't have children, despite the fact that we were together for 10 years before we had them. I have to admit, I was worried initially. Herr had never changed a diaper and had barely held his nephews when they were babies. How could he possibly be a Dad? He has really surprised me over these past 3 1/2 years. We have muddled our way through caring for two babies and we are still married. My admiration for him grows daily. Every morning he wakes up, gets Baby Girl a sippy cup of milk, Peaches a sippy cup of soy milk and me a cup of coffee (with cream and sugar) and brings it upstairs. He is the first person Peaches sees every morning. He sits through hours of Laurie Berkner and Dora DVDs. He pushes Baby Girl on the swing for what seems like hours at a clip. He always does special "Daddy-Baby Girl Time," be it tumbling classes or swimming lessons. He will do the same for Peaches when she is old enough. He doesn't push the disciplining on to me. He doesn't wait to be asked to "parent." He just does it. And I love him for it.


Kristen said...

Herr is awesome! And that nurse was cracking me up, with the hitting and the yelling and the "where do you think you are?!" comments... probably exactly the type of person you guys needed, someone who would take charge and leave nothing up in the air.

Happy Father's Day, Herr!!

Kara said...

That was AMAZING!!! You three are lucky gals.

Happy Dad's day, Herr!

(P.S. Hubby was forbidden from the ho-ha area during the delivery)

Lianne said...

Lukcy you.. my ex husband slept through all four of my NATURAL childbirthing experiences. I guess labor was too boring for him.

I got smart though, and started bringing my girl-friends to coach me.

Congratulations on your wonderful husband!

Candace said...

He could have been *really* lucky and witnessed his first child born via c-section, like mine! We say now that Mr. Foot knows me inside and out. Literally! He's seen my *uterus*!

Melissa said...

"I'd really like my lunch?" WTF. I would have slugged her.

Herr sounds like an awesome daddy. I love to hear about wonderful dads. Happy Father's Day.

stefanierj said...

Okay, are keyboard warranties extended to damage from salt water? Because there's a lot of it coming from my eyes right now.

This was beautiful, MH. Thanks.

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

Remember how we were talking about how it is WRONGWRONGWRONG to marry your best friend's husband?

I lied.

Just kidding. Considering all of the other potential candidates, I think we both made out pretty well with the guys we married.


That was awesome! Go Dad! I love him too.

kimmyk said...

Aw what a great story!!

I love your nurse. Poor Herr didn't know what hit 'em. Well, yes he did but....

My friend she pooped on the table while giving birth. Now tell me Hasfrau that would be like sooo much worse huh?

I can't imagine!

MIM said...

HA! That sounds soooo much like my birth story! I was really afraid of never having sex again, too! Now all I can say is, "Whew!"

Herr sounds like one righteous dude.

mo-wo said...

Hell I love him for it. Good man.

Happy fathers day to 'im.

Andie D. said...

Oh that first baby - I don't think ANYONE can really be prepared for the actual birth. I'm proud of Herr that he jumped right in!

Happy Father's Day Herr!

Rita said...

To quote Salt N Pepa "Whatta Man":

My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller
He takes his time and does everything right
Knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night
He's a real smooth brother, never in a rush
And he gives me goose pimples with every single touch
Spends quality time with his kids when he can
Secure in his manhood cuz he's a real man
A lover and a fighter and he'll knock a knucker out
Don't take him for a sucker cuz that's not what he's about
Every time I need him, he always got my back
Never disrespectful cuz his mama taught him that


Granny said...

He sounds like a great guy. Happy Father's Day to all of you.


Jennifer said...

Can you send him to my house for the coffee delivery??? Absolutely wonderful!

Susan said...

Tell Herr this: when I had Henry, we had the same moment of "here, grab a leg." But Wade--who had nary a clue because we didn't take a childbirth class--looked at the nurse and said, "What are we going to do, make a wish?"

Ha ha ha.

Happy Father's Day, Hausfraus! Both of you!

J's Mommy said...

Isn't it funny how that happens ~ one minute you're living without kids and you can't imagine anything else, then all of a sudden you've got a baby and you don't remember a time when you didn't have someone spitting up all over you!

wordgirl said...

Sounds like a great guy. Lucky daughters! Lucky you!