My Babies' Daddy

"Hey Herr,"Jennifer the Nurse said, "it's time for you to come over here and grab one of Hausfrau's legs. It's time for her to start pushing."

Both Herr and I instantly went pale. This was NOT part of the plan. His only jobs while I was in labor were to stay at my shoulder and rub my hair--and order my epidural. At no point in our birthing classes at the hospital was "this" discussed. Sure, I fell asleep a couple of times in the class (it was from 7:00pm-9:15pm--I was freaking tired!) but I am sure Herr would have remembered the instructor mentioning that the husbands were actually expected to be a part of the process down there. I had commanded (and he agreed) that he had no reason to be going south of my belly for a look-see while I was in labor. He didn't even know my real weight. Why would I let him see my hoo-haa whilst pushing out a baby?!

In my head, I was thinking, "Shitshitshitshit. We're having a baby. It's all we ever wanted. My pregnancy was great, but now the baby is actually coming OUT. Of my hoo-haa. And Herr is going to see it. And then he will pass out. And then he will never want to have sex with me again."

I can't speak for Herr, but I am imagining he was thinking, "Shitshitshitshit, I don't wanna look, I don't wanna look, I don't WANNA LOOK! Hmm. I guess it's a good thing I decided not to eat the pizza in the cafeteria. SHIT! I don't want to be HERE!!!!! I may never have sex again!!!"

About 15 minutes into the process, Herr asked Jennifer the Nurse when the doctor would be coming in to take over for him. She hauled off and slugged him (I shit you not) and said, "What do you think this is, the Beverly Hills Hospital? You are staying there until I tell you otherwise."

The pushing went on for nearly two hours. The first hour I was just so terrified. I couldn't get a good breath even though I was on oxygen. I couldn't get the hang of the pushing. I would look at Herr and he looked more scared than I felt. Finally, I must have made a good push because Herr said, "OH MY GOD, the baby's head is coming out--it's almost OUT!"

Again, Jennifer the Nurse hauled off and slugged him and said, "No it's NOT! What's WRONG with you?! We can see the crown--that's all. She's got a ways to go!"

Almost another hour went by. Finally, Jennifer came over to me and whispered, "You really need to get this baby out. The baby's heartrate is too high. And I'd really like to eat my lunch. If you don't push this baby out in the next 10 minutes, you're going to have to have a c-section."

A few pushes later, Baby Girl was born. I didn't look at her right away though. I was busy looking at Herr. He was sobbing and saying, "Oh my God, look at our little girl. She's perfect. You did it. I'm so proud of you."

In an instant, Herr became a father.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years and I can now hardly remember a time when we didn't have children, despite the fact that we were together for 10 years before we had them. I have to admit, I was worried initially. Herr had never changed a diaper and had barely held his nephews when they were babies. How could he possibly be a Dad? He has really surprised me over these past 3 1/2 years. We have muddled our way through caring for two babies and we are still married. My admiration for him grows daily. Every morning he wakes up, gets Baby Girl a sippy cup of milk, Peaches a sippy cup of soy milk and me a cup of coffee (with cream and sugar) and brings it upstairs. He is the first person Peaches sees every morning. He sits through hours of Laurie Berkner and Dora DVDs. He pushes Baby Girl on the swing for what seems like hours at a clip. He always does special "Daddy-Baby Girl Time," be it tumbling classes or swimming lessons. He will do the same for Peaches when she is old enough. He doesn't push the disciplining on to me. He doesn't wait to be asked to "parent." He just does it. And I love him for it.