Thursday, August 04, 2005

The King's English (Or Lack Thereof)

Recently, my husband and I had the following conversation over dinner:

"Blah blah blahblahblah, and then we blah blah blah. I coulda went there instead." said my husband.

"You mean 'could have gone...'" I said.

"Coulda WENT," he insisted with an evil smile.

"Why won't you say that phrase properly?" I ask.

Husband shrugged his shoulders.

"How do you expect to get promoted into middle management if you say that at work? Oh My GOD, you don't actually say that at work do you?"

Again, shoulders shrug.

"Do you hate me?" I ask, near tears.

"COULDA WENT" sends chills up my spine each and EVERY SINGLE time I hear my husband say it. I want to wash his mouth out with soap. The only other word that makes me react as violently is the "C" word. I have been hearing "Coulda went" at least twice a week for 14 years. I am sometimes unsure as to how much longer I can take this incredibly intelligent man butchering the English language with this simple phrase.

You see, I am not a very smart girl. My husband, on the other hand, is BRILLIANT. He has a PhD in Chemistry and he creates drugs for mankind. When he isn't trying to save the world one medication at a time, he dazzles people with all sorts of Simpson's trivia, drinks beer and can discuss a myriad of topics with just about anyone. Pretty much the only thing I have going for me is that I am a fairly articulate speaker (I can edit too, but who cares?!) OK, there was a period of time when I said "like" and "um" WAY TOO MUCH, but I worked through it.

I said nothing for the first ten or so years we were together. I didn't want to appear rude or be critical of the man I love. I also didn't want my husband to start bringing up my faults, bad habits and idiosyncrasies that number in the hundreds. But after listening to it all those years, this verbal faux pas and his seasonal sniffling (particularly when we are in a car together for long road trips) started sending me into hissy fits of biblical proportions.

Recently, I discovered this blog . After reading about this tortured woman's life I decided that I really don't have any problems with my husband and that I just need to shut the Hell up.


Candace said...

I think the only solution is to smack him soundly.

Or no sex until he says the phrase the right way.

I am so with you on the laguage. Luckily my husband feels the same way.

I'll have to check out that site.

But now right now, because I have three extra girls coming to my house today. Little girls, not martini drinking ones.

Wish me luck.

Susan said...

Hey I coulda went to someone else's blog, but I came here! Get it???

Something like 36 hours after we moved to Oklahoma, Wade started to use 'fixin' a lot. A LOT. As in, 'I'm fixin' to mow the lawn' or 'I'm fixin' to change the baby.'

I'm fixin' to kill him. But then I would have to find a new husband, and that might kill ME.

Missy said...

Glad to see your back today. Hope your feeling better. Take the good with the bad girl, somethings are just not worth getting upset over. Not that it's not annoying. But if he treats you well, is faithful, supportive and kind. A slip in english can be over looked, maybe he knows it gets your goat and does it on purpose. My hubby will do that sometimes. Who knows. I have just learned, and it took me a long time, not to sweat the small stuff, there is plenty of big stuff to worry about. So much for my 2 cents.

Missy said...

and I checked out that blog, I think I will shut up too.

Susan said...

About that other blog? I think she needs a Dr Phil intervention. Some of the things she writes are scary. Like getawayrightnow scary.

And yet, it's still funny, isn't it?

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

Lack of sex will surely kill him. And until it does, he will keep it up just to watch you squirm. I know the Chemist all too well, my friend.

And if I were there, I might start in with my "woodjoo"'s, just for sport.

I am evil.

By the way, what up with the "I am not a smart girl," Forrest? Whatever.

kimmyk said...

I use words like
"kinna" - KIND OF
"mebbe" - MAYBE
"yanno"- YA KNOW?

when I write/type online, but...not in my everyday world of speaking proper english. Not sure why that is. I've been trying not to type that I'm paranoid bout it. LOL. I'll do better I promise.

Mainline Mom said...

I used to hate how my husband left out the words "to be" all the time, like "the floor needs swept". Now I do it myself. That other blog is awful. Horrible. I don't feel sorry for her at all, I think she needs more than a Dr. Phil intervention.

Anonymous said...

Just like SoNotMartha, I know how intelligent you are. The husband's intelligence is just "different" freakish if you will. I, on the other hand have gone comepletely stupid since college. I used to be interested in Politics now I like shoes. And handbags.

Susan said...

Ooohhh, we haven't even started talking about handbags, have we?

Oh, yeah, you smart. Very smart. And you write good English.

(Which reminds me of a woman I was in a playgroup with who used to announce, 'I talked real good before them babies came along!')

Candace said...

That other woman (Christine?) first I was pissed at her for putting her kids through it all. My mother stayed for my sake, which is a load of bullshit if you ask me. I would have been better off only seeing my dad on weekends. Then I would have been special to him *and* I would have had a safe place to be nearly full-time.

Then I realized that maybe she just doesn't think there's anything better out there, or she doesn't deserve anything better. That's the impression I started to get as she sort of implied that most men are like her husband to a degree.

Not mine, and no fucking way would I stand for it. I realize I shouldn't judge, but I feel like I've got more insight, having had a father very much like John.

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

Hausfrau-- remind me again about why she stays? I know we talked about it, but I can't remember.

Anonymous said...

Five years ago my husband and I moved to Western Kentucky. The first word we received from any person..."You ain't from around here"? I still receive the warm welcomed respose, usually on my three weekly trips to the Super Wal-Mart. The husband on the other hand fits in very well and has the local hacking down pat, but all is forgiven because the huband does have great taste in buying expensive handbags for all of those wonderful holidays and special days that come around every 12 months.

Oh, he also refers to me as MA MA!!!

Mary P. said...

Have you read "Eats, Shoots and Leaves"? I think you'd love it. My highly intelligent partner says "should have rode" instead of "should have ridden". Or any of the other "en" conjugations. It baffles me that such a brilliant man makes such a goofy mistake. Strange. He, however, is trying to get it out of his speech.

I've read that blog before, and it creeps me out. Why, if you are so disgusted by your husband, do you stay in the marriage? I don't get it. (And I've been through a divorce. I know how awful they are.) But at a certain point, you have to say "What am I teaching my kids - about relationships, about self-respect, about choosing to be emotionally healthy - to stay with a man I loathe?" Well, you have to say a lot of things, but that's a biggie. (Unless she just likes a reason to wallow in hate?)