Monday, August 29, 2005

While You Were Out

Dear Husband,

I am hoping that you are well and enjoying your conference. Things here are going fairly well, but I wanted to give you a rundown of a couple of things you have missed since Saturday since I am sure I will forget to tell you this when you get home late late Thursday.

Peaches cut her first tooth. Figures, doesn't it? She's only been teething for 3 months. She wouldn't allow me to take a photo of her mouth, so you are just going to have to trust me that the tooth is indeed in her mouth.

Baby Girl is under the impression that she lives in a Nudist Colony. While she will agree to wear a "pretty dress" out in public, she refused all clothing and diapers when at home Saturday and Sunday. You would think that this is a great sign for the ol' potty training. Not so much. She did agree to wear underwear this morning for a brief period of time as seen here.

Oh, right--the mess in the living room. Bet you're curious about that. I have decided that I am not going to clean it up until we leave for vacation on Friday. Baby Girl has decided to go on strike, so I am following suit. The rest of the house is spotless. No, really it is.

Peaches has a rug burn on her belly. No, it isn't from crawling. I happened to see Baby Girl grabbing Peaches by the ankles and dragging her across the livingroom yesterday afternoon. I could also hear Baby Girl muttering, "Dammit Peaches, stop touching that. I don't like that." I was laughing too hard at the spectacle to actually step in and parent. Mea Culpa.

I didn't get much sleep last night. It wasn't because of Peaches--she slept until 5:30. Rather, I let my imagination take over when I tried to sleep and I suddenly had it in my head that I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack in my sleep and die, and then no one would find us until Thursday because that is when your mother is coming, but then she won't be able to get in the house because we keep forgetting to give her a key. I thought that I would feel better if I let the dogs sleep with me, but I thought better of it. I've heard that your pet will eat you if you die. When I relayed this to So Not Martha she told me that I should probably speak to her psychiatrist husband and that she'll make sure he calls me tonight. She did say she now feels so much better about her own irrational thoughts because hers aren't nearly as twisted. I guess that's something.

Baby Girl has spent the better part of Monday Morning announcing at full volume, "ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN. CHOO CHOO!!!!" Keep in mind she is buck naked.

We had a very succesful shopping trip at Target on Monday. Baby Girl wore panties and didn't pee or poo in them while we were out. She did, however, take a fancy to the cashier so she lifted her dress, twirled her nipples and said "I'm wearing panties." Just what a pimply-faced 19 year old wants to see. I guess she has moved on from doing her floor shows exclusively for her Godfather Jeff.

Oh, Oh--I am saving the best news for last. I got some very exciting news this morning. Apparently, we are going to be RICH!!!!!!! See the email I got below from our newest best friend--Edward James!!!

Date: Mon, 29 Aug 2005 16:43:12 +0300
From:"edward james"
Subject: Dear Hopkins,
Dear Hopkins,

I am Mr.Edward James, I work with the Standard Credit Union Bank Abidjan Cote d'ivoire as an account officer in the Treasury/Credit Control Unit. I came to know you in privatesearch for a reliable and reputable person to handle this confidential transaction,which involve the transfer of a huge sum of money into a foriegn accountrequiring maximum confidence.


A foreigner by name Engineer Lungi Hopkins who is a marine engineer by profession,until his death some times ago, does his and banking transaction with us at Standard Credit Union Bank, and had a closing balance as at the end of January 2003,which is worth $15,000,000.00 dollers ( fifteen million united state dollers)I was his personal account officer and since he deposited this money with us in the year 2003, a single paying or withdrawal was never made by him. We where instructed by my late client that the money be kept and secured in a security and finance firm because it was less expensive to keep and secure the funds in the security. This was done for him according to his instructions.

Surprisingly, for Two years since this money was kept in the security and finance firm nothing has being heard from him, not until I was informed about his death with evidence when I decided to call to the number he once gave to me, of which several attempts has been made earlier but all was in vain. Our bank now expected his Next of Kin to come forward as a sole beneficiary to his assets with the bank. As his personal account officer valuable efforts has being made by me for more than one year to get in touch with any of my late client family or relatives without any success.
It is because of the percieved impossibility of being able to locate any of my late client Next of Kin(He had no wife, Children or Relative that is known to me ).Based on this, I secretly seek advice from a fellow colleague who has being in banking for about 14 years now about this issue of my late client , he made me understand that things like this do happen and at the end of the day the chairman and board of directors of the bank will declare the funds as ''Unclaimed'' and subsequently divert it for thier personal use. In order to avert this negetive development,I now seek your permission to have you stand as the Next of Kin to my late client, so that the funds will be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary's Next of Kin.

As soon as I recieve an acknowledgement of your acceptance, I will furnish you with the necessary modalities of the transaction. I assure you that this transcaction is 100% risk free, When this business is completed and the funds is already in your account,the money will be shared on a 50-50 basis.
Mr Edward James

Misfit Hausfrau


The June Cleaver Diaries said...

Ah, the old "Lift Your Dress, Twirl Your Nipples and Announce You're Wearing Panties" Trick. Tell Miss Baby Girl to be careful----how do you think we got the twins?

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Okay, was Peaches REALLY saying, 'Dammit stop touching that?' Because she and Charlie might make a nice couple, if so. Although he's a little slow on the potty thing.

And, finally, I too have the irrational fear that I Will Die While Wade Is Out Of Town. But now I worry that one of the boys will find me and be scarred for life. Like they won't already be just from living with me.

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Mary P. said...

"Who's zooming you?"

Baby Girl sounds like quite the character. She's welcome at my place any time: this is the kind of kid I love.

Her and her panties reminds me of my youngest. At age three, all decked out in the sweetest turquoise and pink floral dress, with pink socks and turquoise shoes, and little matching hairband in her blond curls. She was just the picture of sweet baby-girlness as we strolled around an outdoor food festival downtown. Getting so many smiles from the gazillions of festival-goers.

And then she tripped as she was skipping forward, catching herself on her palms, so that she was like a bridge, feet and hands on the floor, sweet little dress around her sweet little ears, and buck-naked bottom on display for the gazillions to see.

She was wearing some when we left home, I swear.

LoryKC said...

We share the same dreams, my friend. My husband travels a bit and I have the same fears that it won't be bad enough that I'll die in my sleep but the kids will find me, won't remember 9-1-1...the whole deal.
Either that, or someone is casing the place, so I stay up late to ensure that they leave out of pure boredom.
Baby Girl is too cute! Is it possibly just too hot in Ohio to wear undies?