Today, I admit defeat. I have failed miserably. I have managed to completely lose all control in my life and I am not sure how to get it back.
It all started when I had to call my boss and tell her that I cannot do my "So Easy a Monkey Could do it From My Home Office" job for awhile. I felt like a fool. My "Oh My God You're Paying Me Too Much Money" job is a sweet gig that allows me to work a few hours a week from home, based on projects my old employer from New Jersey might have. I can make the same money I did in New Jersey (I would make 1/2 of that here. AND I would have to commute, pay for daycare, etc.) However, I have not been very good at it because of the children. There, I said it. It is all their fault.
I am a recruiter by trade. I like what I do, I think I do a fairly decent job of it most of the time. I just had no idea how difficult a job such as recruiting can be when one has two children who make sure to scream EVERY SINGLE TIME I AM ON THE PHONE. There are only so many times one can apologize to a prospective candidate for a screaming child. They are always very nice, but it does get annoying. Especially for recent college graduates. I am trying to relate to them as a recruiter. It's a little hard to do that when they can hear, "Mommy, I go poopie in my panties. Get off the phone and change me."
Unfortunately, it isn't as simple as moving to another room. They just follow me. If I close a door, Baby Girl beats it down. If I work during naptime, I can still hear them on the second floor as the acoustics are FABULOUS in my house. What is even worse is that I can hear them scream even louder when I am in the basement. And they sleep on the second floor. If I am posting jobs online, Baby Girl comes in and tries to type on the keyboard and play with the mouse. A gentle nudging out the door doesn't do it. I have to forcibly drag her out of the room, and then she hauls off and hits me. Then the real fun begins. I haul her up the stairs and throw her (sort of) into her room and shut the door. Bloodcurdling screaming then begins from not just one child, but the baby too! But, I can't find the baby. That's because she is under the desk pulling all of the cords out of the surge protector and now the computer is off. Doing the work at night is not an option right now as my daughter has decided to be afraid of the dark and scream at the top of her lungs for up to 2 hours a night. What was once a fun job that put a few shekels in my pocket and made me feel like I DID something is something I can't even manage. Fortunately, my boss is terrified of children and could hear my daughter say, "Mommy, I bite Peaches. Hard," when we were on the phone today. She told me to call her when I feel that things are holding up well enough for me to come back. She is wonderful, but I am mortified.
But it doesn't just stop there. I have found that I can't manage to keep the checkbook balanced. How hard is that?! According to my calculations, we are -$45 until my husband gets paid tomorrow. According to the bank, we have boatloads of dough. WTF?! Sure, a good problem to have perhaps, but a problem nonetheless. Because I have the attention span of a gnat, I can't figure out my mistake. I am ruining dinners I used to make all the time, I have managed to ruin several loads of whites of late. I am going to the gym at 5 fucking 45 AM every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and not dropping a pound. I can't keep the house clean and I can't make my kids consistently happy. I feel as though I have no abilities to do anything productive except yell at my kids and I have no passion left in me for anything except the occasional television show. The most exciting thing that happened yesterday was that I found out that Scott Baio is going to be on Arrested Development as the Attorney Bob Loblaw. Just so you are aware, Scott Baio is going to be my third husband, should I dump the one I have and then dump my second husband, John Cusack. Say Bob Loblaw three times really fast and you will see why Arrested Development is one of the funniest shows ever. See what I mean? I am excited about a STUPID television show and nothing else. I need to make real friends here, but I really don't want to. I like the ones I have. I realize that isn't practical, but it's just how I feel. Unfortunately, my friends are a minimum of 4 1/2 hours away and as far away as 18 hours away, so it isn't like I can just hop in the car and go see them when I need to get some fresh air.
I'm not really looking for advice, I just want to put this out there so that in a week, or a month or a year I can read this and chide myself for being such a self-absorbed jackass.