Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The "F" Word Pity Party

Today, I admit defeat. I have failed miserably. I have managed to completely lose all control in my life and I am not sure how to get it back.

It all started when I had to call my boss and tell her that I cannot do my "So Easy a Monkey Could do it From My Home Office" job for awhile. I felt like a fool. My "Oh My God You're Paying Me Too Much Money" job is a sweet gig that allows me to work a few hours a week from home, based on projects my old employer from New Jersey might have. I can make the same money I did in New Jersey (I would make 1/2 of that here. AND I would have to commute, pay for daycare, etc.) However, I have not been very good at it because of the children. There, I said it. It is all their fault.

I am a recruiter by trade. I like what I do, I think I do a fairly decent job of it most of the time. I just had no idea how difficult a job such as recruiting can be when one has two children who make sure to scream EVERY SINGLE TIME I AM ON THE PHONE. There are only so many times one can apologize to a prospective candidate for a screaming child. They are always very nice, but it does get annoying. Especially for recent college graduates. I am trying to relate to them as a recruiter. It's a little hard to do that when they can hear, "Mommy, I go poopie in my panties. Get off the phone and change me."

Unfortunately, it isn't as simple as moving to another room. They just follow me. If I close a door, Baby Girl beats it down. If I work during naptime, I can still hear them on the second floor as the acoustics are FABULOUS in my house. What is even worse is that I can hear them scream even louder when I am in the basement. And they sleep on the second floor. If I am posting jobs online, Baby Girl comes in and tries to type on the keyboard and play with the mouse. A gentle nudging out the door doesn't do it. I have to forcibly drag her out of the room, and then she hauls off and hits me. Then the real fun begins. I haul her up the stairs and throw her (sort of) into her room and shut the door. Bloodcurdling screaming then begins from not just one child, but the baby too! But, I can't find the baby. That's because she is under the desk pulling all of the cords out of the surge protector and now the computer is off. Doing the work at night is not an option right now as my daughter has decided to be afraid of the dark and scream at the top of her lungs for up to 2 hours a night. What was once a fun job that put a few shekels in my pocket and made me feel like I DID something is something I can't even manage. Fortunately, my boss is terrified of children and could hear my daughter say, "Mommy, I bite Peaches. Hard," when we were on the phone today. She told me to call her when I feel that things are holding up well enough for me to come back. She is wonderful, but I am mortified.

But it doesn't just stop there. I have found that I can't manage to keep the checkbook balanced. How hard is that?! According to my calculations, we are -$45 until my husband gets paid tomorrow. According to the bank, we have boatloads of dough. WTF?! Sure, a good problem to have perhaps, but a problem nonetheless. Because I have the attention span of a gnat, I can't figure out my mistake. I am ruining dinners I used to make all the time, I have managed to ruin several loads of whites of late. I am going to the gym at 5 fucking 45 AM every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and not dropping a pound. I can't keep the house clean and I can't make my kids consistently happy. I feel as though I have no abilities to do anything productive except yell at my kids and I have no passion left in me for anything except the occasional television show. The most exciting thing that happened yesterday was that I found out that Scott Baio is going to be on Arrested Development as the Attorney Bob Loblaw. Just so you are aware, Scott Baio is going to be my third husband, should I dump the one I have and then dump my second husband, John Cusack. Say Bob Loblaw three times really fast and you will see why Arrested Development is one of the funniest shows ever. See what I mean? I am excited about a STUPID television show and nothing else. I need to make real friends here, but I really don't want to. I like the ones I have. I realize that isn't practical, but it's just how I feel. Unfortunately, my friends are a minimum of 4 1/2 hours away and as far away as 18 hours away, so it isn't like I can just hop in the car and go see them when I need to get some fresh air.

I'm not really looking for advice, I just want to put this out there so that in a week, or a month or a year I can read this and chide myself for being such a self-absorbed jackass.


The June Cleaver Diaries said...

HEY HEY HEY!!!!! Is this what you called me about yesterday?? I didn't call back because this week is one long MD appointment. Tomorrow, I will call. I know you're in bed now, but if not, I'll be up till 11.

Jump in the fucking car and get here. Bring the girls. I'll buy the gas.

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

And I distinctly remember you feeling this way when you moved to NJ. And I know what it feels like, having moved half a dozen times before high school. And 4 times since. And you know what? you felt the same way (a bit) when you moved to Pittsburgh--- and look how that turned out. Okay, I feel like a mom with the Buck Up Little Camper speech. But call me tomorrow. On your cell phone. After you pack the girls up and are on I-70 heading to NY.

And please--- the checkbook thing? Pshaw. Like my mom always said. so long as there are checks in the checkbook, there's money in the bank. Then again, maybe not the best advice.

kimmyk said...

man what a week!

shewwiee! well....i hope in a week or so when you re-read this-i hope everything you just wrote is all fixed and properly put to bed.

adria said...

I am also anxiously awaiting next week's new episode of Arrested Development.
It is the BEST show EVER!!!

Welcome back Scott Baio - attorney Bob Loblaw.

I cannot wait!

missy said...

When mommy is miserable, everyone is miserable. Figure out what you need to make you happy and make it happen. Mommy stress is hard. My kids are older THANK GOD. I could never go back to the diapers and screaming and nap times. But seriously do something for yourself before you become resentful, when mommy is happy everyone will be happy.

Anonymous said...

your kid is a brat and you let her get away with it, you are letting a 2 year old run your house and your life. you should be having tuns of fun by the time she is 4. get a spine and stop feeling so sorry for yourself you had the damn kids suck it up.

Mary P. said...

Oh. My. God. Who the hell was that nasty piece of...

Nothing like kicking someone when they're down, anonymous. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Hausfrau: if you were anywhere near me, I'd be volunteering to come in and do the nanny 911 thing. Truly. You're calling up all my maternal instincts here - but for YOU, not those kids.

I'd love to let you have a long bubble bath with a relaxing drink of something, followed by a long walk. And then you could maybe make some telephone calls if you wanted, while the kids and I discussed appropriate phone manners - for them.

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

That must have been fun to write. I bet you get off flaming people on their blogs.
You know NOTHING about Hausfrau, and if you did, you'd be ashamed of yourself. Take your venting somewhere else, ass--- it's not welcome here. If I were half the mom Hausfrau is, I'd be thrilled. Clearly, you have no children, and just as clearly, you have some MAJOR issues.

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Hey Anonymous--Perhaps you need to look at the title--it's called a PITY PARTY. Mine and mine alone. I mentioned in my blog that I wasn't looking for any advice or feedback--silly me for not clicking the "No Comments" choice when I posted it last night. While I would certainly expect and accept a negative opinion posted in my comments section if I wrote about my views on politics, religion or abortion, I certainly don't expect such harsh criticism from someone who doesn't know me or my life. My blog doesn't scratch the surface as to what I am about. Why would you even waste your time reading my blog? Certainly you must have better things to do.

If anyone has even a third grader's reading comprehension, one would realize that the writer of this blog had a rough week. The kids were NOT the only issue at hand. Last I checked, we all have bad weeks at some point. It could be small problems building up, or it could be a huge problem exploding in one's face. Maybe I have delayed post partum depression, maybe I am premenstral. Who knows?! Instead of beating my children, kicking my dogs or yelling at my husband, I choose to work it out through writing. I went to bed last night, had a good night's sleep and am working on getting past my malaise.

I applaud you, Anonymous, for having a perfect life and excellent children. I really hope you will out yourself so that we may all learn from your undoubtedly rich childrearing knowledge. I do hope, however, that your children are not relying on you to teach them to not judge others. I also hope they are learning about spelling and punctuation from an accredited school.

Jenette said...

I check out your blog frequently, because your stories about Baby Girl and Peaches always amuse me! You're a great story teller, and as the mother of a three year old, I completely understand lots of the things you think and say and do. Cracks me up.

Anonymous must have been an idiot. That's all I can say. Obviously can't spell, but I guess that's a cheap shot. :)

I've kinda gathered that you might be somewhere in the same area as me, based on some of your comments (and I haven't read back far enough to know if you've said it somewhere else) so if you ever need another midwestern mommy friend, let me know :)

Take it easy, and keep writing those blogs that make me laugh one minute and wonder if you've gotten into my life by mistake the next minute. :)

MetroDad said...

Sorry you're having a rough week. Wish I could help. Only suggestion I have is maybe gagging and tying up the kids for an hour a day? Would that help? JUST KIDDING, PEOPLE!

Anyway, hope venting helped. Usually does the trick for me. And by the way, I don't think you're a self-absorbed jackass! This parenting shit ain't easy!

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Thanks everyone for being so kind. Don't want to jinx it, but the tail end of this week has been better.