Sunday, September 11, 2005

Vacation Confessional

"Forgive me Weight Watchers Counselor, but I have eaten," I whispered.

"Go on my chubby child," she gently prodded.

"I, uh, gained some weight while I was on vacation at the shore," I confessed.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, just pick yourself up and start again!" she cried.

"Well," I sighed, "it seems that I gained six pounds."

"SIX POUNDS?!?!?" she bellowed. "Holy guacomole! How is it possible that you gained nearly a pound a day on your vacation?!"

"Well, it's not like I meant to gain that weight, Sister Skinnypants. It just, um, happened," I stammered.

"You are full of beans. Or maybe lard! Were you lying down the entire 8 days or did you indulge in ANY physical activity?" she asked.

"Oh, I was totally active!!! I walked up a huge dune to get to the beach a couple of times and schlepped a bunch of crap and my kids, so I guess that counts. "

"Anything else?"

I did LOTS of 12 oz. curls and I got a pedicure and a haircut! Oh, yeah--I went shopping too!" I exclaimed.

"What a bunch of Poppycock! That isn't much exercise! Surely you did something else?!"

"Uh, I guess not."

"I'm assuming you used your 35 weekly bonus points, then?" she asked.

"I believe I used my weekly 35 bonus points each of the 8 days, so I don't think I can use any for the next couple of months, right?" I asked.

"That would be correct! Pray tell, how much food did you EAT?!"

"Well, Your Most Holy Thinness, I thought I started off the vacation OK, but we were staying in a house with 6 other people and there were things there that I normally don't eat."

"Like what?" she queried.

"For starters, there were Pringles there. Plain. Yummy. Pringles," I said.

"Did you forget that they make reduced fat Pringles?" she asked.

"Not at all! As a matter of fact, when I did the grocery shopping with my friends, I even bought a can. But when it came time for me to eat them, they were gone. I think someone accidently ate them."

"Well, a few Pringles does not 6 pounds make. What else happened last week?"

"One night, Stevo made steaks as big as our heads, but I only ate half of one, so I guess that isn't so bad. I had sauteed scallops and shrimp too! The men in the house also prepared breakfast meats every morning like Taylor Pork Roll and bacon." I said, salivating at the memory.

"What is a Taylor Pork Roll?" she asked.

"Well, it's a favorite in Philly and New Jersey. It's a pork product of sorts that is quite yummy. I have never actually looked at the label because I didn't want to not enjoy it," I confessed.

"I see. Well, what else did you eat to put on that kind of weight?"

"Well, I will confess that my downfall was the sweets. Normally, I am not a big sweets person, but I throw it all away when I stay with these guys at the beach house. I ate Hershey Bars and Devil Dogs and Yodels and Funny Bones and Kandy Kakes --"

"What on Earth are you talking about?" she asked, horrified. "Didn't you remember the Weight Watcher Credo, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels? Didn't you keep a sandwich bag of carrots or broccoli with you at all times? What about Rice Cakes or a fat free yogurt?! Did you lose your mind?"

"Are ya kiddin' me? Have you ever TASTED a Devil Dog or a Funny Bone? You would have lost your mind too!" I huffed. "Don't even get me started on the ice cream!"

"Am I to assume that you didn't eat your Weight Watcher 2 point ice cream treats or a Skinny Cow ice cream bar?" she asked.

"I am embarrased to say that you assume correctly. I ate nearly an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra in addition to other flavors of ice cream almost every evening.

"Did a fruit or vegetable even touch your lips the entire time you were on vacation?"

"Do potato chips or ketchup count?" I queried.

"Hardly!" she yelled.

What is my penance, oh Savior of the Salad Bar?" I trembled.

"Well, Husky Hausfrau, you need to injest 20 2-liters of seltzer water and about 10 lbs. of carrots before you are back to your old self. See that this doesn't happen again!"

"Yes, Ma'am," I replied.

Have a great week!" she trilled.

11 comments:

Susan said...

Mmmm, Poppycock . . . wait, you didn't eat THAT, too, did you? It has the Amazing Glaze, after all. No, sorry, I'm the one who gained six pounds eating Poppycock. Whoops.

And now I'm hungry. And glad you're back! Can we have pictures of the pedicure? And the hair? Please?

And where did you go to the shore? Just curious.

Missy said...

Super glad your back and that you had fun. Six pounds.....sounds worth it to me. We will all be here to help you get through getting it off. And you said poppycock.....lol.

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Yeah, I thought a couple of you might appreciate the Poppycock reference.

Susan, we stay in Barnegat Light on LBI (Long Beach Island). There will eventually be photos of kids and pedicures--no haircut though. There is a steadfast rule about "No Photos of Hausfrau."

Mary P. said...

Welcome back! That was funny. Was writing it down for the world to read part of your penance?

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

I'm printing this out and taking it with me to weigh-in, sister.

I think 6 pounds is a small price to pay for taylor pork roll. Mmmm. Oh-- and thanks for the link, so I can gets me some.

Susan said...

Hausfrau! My mother was in (at? on?) Long Beach Island two weeks ago! She and her high school girlfriends went to celebrate their 65th birthdays. So the old ladies you saw on the beach? My mom!

Charlie is wearing an LBI t-shirt at school today. How funny!

And I understand about the photos.

kimmyk said...

Man that bitch was brutal. I don't know that I'd talk to her again....she hurt my feelins and I don't even know her.
I agree, potato chips and ketchup (which we love in our house) is a vegetable and a fruit....it's a wholesome meal .
Next time you need weighed...have one of us do it....we'll help a sistah out !

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Please don't think that my WW counselor was that mean! This is what I think COULD happen if I weighed in in the next few days! :)

Candace said...

So then when Sophie dips her chips into the ketchup, she's being totally nutritious, right?

I need to get me some exercise, too. Or just the cute, buff personal trainer that comes with the exercise.

Yeah, definitely the cute, buff trainer.

(My word verification word is "scitfeit". I'm pretty sure it's German .)

M&Co. said...

Oh I loved this!

MIM said...

You know, I once didn't drink for a month and lost 7 pounds!!! I don't recommend it.

Husband's always trying to convince me that ketchup is a vegetable.