"Forgive me Weight Watchers Counselor, but I have eaten," I whispered.
"Go on my chubby child," she gently prodded.
"I, uh, gained some weight while I was on vacation at the shore," I confessed.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, just pick yourself up and start again!" she cried.
"Well," I sighed, "it seems that I gained six pounds."
"SIX POUNDS?!?!?" she bellowed. "Holy guacomole! How is it possible that you gained nearly a pound a day on your vacation?!"
"Well, it's not like I meant to gain that weight, Sister Skinnypants. It just, um, happened," I stammered.
"You are full of beans. Or maybe lard! Were you lying down the entire 8 days or did you indulge in ANY physical activity?" she asked.
"Oh, I was totally active!!! I walked up a huge dune to get to the beach a couple of times and schlepped a bunch of crap and my kids, so I guess that counts. "
I did LOTS of 12 oz. curls and I got a pedicure and a haircut! Oh, yeah--I went shopping too!" I exclaimed.
"What a bunch of Poppycock! That isn't much exercise! Surely you did something else?!"
"Uh, I guess not."
"I'm assuming you used your 35 weekly bonus points, then?" she asked.
"I believe I used my weekly 35 bonus points each of the 8 days, so I don't think I can use any for the next couple of months, right?" I asked.
"That would be correct! Pray tell, how much food did you EAT?!"
"Well, Your Most Holy Thinness, I thought I started off the vacation OK, but we were staying in a house with 6 other people and there were things there that I normally don't eat."
"Like what?" she queried.
"For starters, there were Pringles there. Plain. Yummy. Pringles," I said.
"Did you forget that they make reduced fat Pringles?" she asked.
"Not at all! As a matter of fact, when I did the grocery shopping with my friends, I even bought a can. But when it came time for me to eat them, they were gone. I think someone accidently ate them."
"Well, a few Pringles does not 6 pounds make. What else happened last week?"
"One night, Stevo made steaks as big as our heads, but I only ate half of one, so I guess that isn't so bad. I had sauteed scallops and shrimp too! The men in the house also prepared breakfast meats every morning like Taylor Pork Roll and bacon." I said, salivating at the memory.
"What is a Taylor Pork Roll?" she asked.
"Well, it's a favorite in Philly and New Jersey. It's a pork product of sorts that is quite yummy. I have never actually looked at the label because I didn't want to not enjoy it," I confessed.
"I see. Well, what else did you eat to put on that kind of weight?"
"Well, I will confess that my downfall was the sweets. Normally, I am not a big sweets person, but I throw it all away when I stay with these guys at the beach house. I ate Hershey Bars and Devil Dogs and Yodels and Funny Bones and Kandy Kakes --"
"What on Earth are you talking about?" she asked, horrified. "Didn't you remember the Weight Watcher Credo, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels? Didn't you keep a sandwich bag of carrots or broccoli with you at all times? What about Rice Cakes or a fat free yogurt?! Did you lose your mind?"
"Are ya kiddin' me? Have you ever TASTED a Devil Dog or a Funny Bone? You would have lost your mind too!" I huffed. "Don't even get me started on the ice cream!"
"Am I to assume that you didn't eat your Weight Watcher 2 point ice cream treats or a Skinny Cow ice cream bar?" she asked.
"I am embarrased to say that you assume correctly. I ate nearly an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra in addition to other flavors of ice cream almost every evening.
"Did a fruit or vegetable even touch your lips the entire time you were on vacation?"
"Do potato chips or ketchup count?" I queried.
"Hardly!" she yelled.
What is my penance, oh Savior of the Salad Bar?" I trembled.
"Well, Husky Hausfrau, you need to injest 20 2-liters of seltzer water and about 10 lbs. of carrots before you are back to your old self. See that this doesn't happen again!"
"Yes, Ma'am," I replied.
Have a great week!" she trilled.