Boobs and Poops

When I felt the lump in my breast a couple of weeks ago, I felt a deja vu. I remembered that I had felt it the month prior and sort of mulled it over in the shower. Suddenly, Baby Girl ripped open the shower curtain, started spewing satanic words from her mouth like the Tasmanian Devil and I forgot all about it.

Forgot all about it. That's pretty tough to do, isn't it? But I did. Until I felt it again.

I admit, I was a little freaked out about it. It wasn't until I was on the phone with my friend and we got on the subject of death (nice!) that I remembered I needed to call the doctor. But I didn't call the doctor until later that day. Let me give you a hint. If you have a cold and feel like you are at death's door, or have a migraine or have your arm out of it's socket, the doctor will see you in a week. Tell them you found a lump in your breast and they will see you bright and early the next morning, or better yet, get in there now if you can.

I visited my doctor the next afternoon. She couldn't find the lump and neither could I, which sort of made me glad. She mentioned that drinking too much caffiene can sometimes be a factor if you occasionally feel something. She then said, "Well you're already a year late in getting your baseline mammogram anyway, so I think you should get one. I am also going to have you get an ultrasound at the same time just to be sure."

"What do you mean I'm a year late? I thought I needed to start getting a mammogram when I turn 40."

"No, you should have gotten your first one at 35."

I suddenly felt REALLY OLD.

I am not the type who gets all hung up about birthdays and getting old. I remember a family friend who turned 30 when I was a kid and she cried for over a week. I've just never been bothered by it. I have always felt like I am the same squirrely 22 year old who is still at IU, whopping it up and feeling fine. I didn't feel old when I got married, I didn't feel old when we renewed our vows seven years later. I didn't feel old when I gave birth to the girls, even when the doctor made a comment during the delivery of my second one that it was a high risk pregnancy because of my age. Hell, teenagers have kids. Even my first gray hair didn't make me feel terribly old. Being told I needed to have a mammogram made me feel old.

So today was my appointment. As I drove to the appointment, I wasn't particularly nervous about going. I was irritated. I was told not to wear any perfumes, lotions or deodorant. NO DEODORANT!!! That's like going to work without brushing one's teeth! I was sweating just thinking about not wearing it. I was also thinking about my mother's words when I told her that I was getting a mammogram:

"JESUS H. CHRIST, that was the single-most painful thing I have ever had done."

Great. I tried to keep in mind that my mother never actually gave birth, so I somewhat doubted it could be that painful.

I had a fantastic technician named Danette who did a great job of talking during the whole thing and keeping me distracted. She need not have bothered. It didn't even hurt! I have no idea what the big deal is about getting a mammogram. Now having gone through one, I can't fathom why women are so afraid to get them. If they are worried about someone fondling their boobs, they need to get over themselves. I was starting to think that I should have ignored my doctor about going at such a "young age" when my husband called to see what was going on. I told him all was well and he sounded so relieved. Then, I knew I did the right thing by going, if for no other reason than to assure that my husband that he would not be a single parent any time soon.

In unrelated news, my daughter took her first two craps in the potty today and I couldn't be happier. She and I danced around like a couple of idiots, she got 5 M&M's, she got to watch her beloved Noggin, we called Daddy at work and she got to open the Poopie Present that has been sitting on the counter for several days--a stuffed Tigger. It doesn't get much better than that. Except I could use some deodorant right about now.