All Sixed Up

It's been awhile since I have done a meme, but Adventure Dad tagged me to discuss six things about me that are weird or strange. What, only six? I'd like to think that I am vanilla normal and that there is nothing odd about me. But I know that simply isn't true. I am sure I could think of quite a few things about myself that could be considered psychotic idiosyncratic. My friends who sometimes read my blog will already know most of these, and they are still friends with me anyway, so maybe they aren't so bad. Besides, I've had all kinds of time to write this week because I haven't left the house since Tuesday due to the Diarrhea epidemic in our house. Here goes:

1. I cannot poop in public. I.just.cannot. When I was living the life in Corporate America, I managed to train my body so that I didn't have to risk doing that nonsense at work. It was before work or after work. There were only a couple of times where I would sweat it because I started a new job with a new company, and for some reason, my body decided it had to change the routine. But by and large, it didn't happen at work.

Until I became pregnant. By that time, we had moved to New Jersey and my office was a broom closet in one of our stores. And it was across from the bathroom. It wasn't so bad until I would travel to the corporate offices in Pittsburgh. Then panic would set in. After awhile, I found the safest place to go was the bathroom in the first floor gym.

I am equally bad at hotels if I have roommates. I used to work for a company that was big on having corporate meetings in San Francisco about 4 times a year. They would match us up with another rep from somewhere else in the country to share a hotel room. It sucked. I finally got wise and told the travel agent I needed a smoking room to ensure that I would have my own room. It was such a relief when I joined another company a year later that actually had a policy that people could NOT share hotel rooms.

2. Speaking of hotel rooms, I have a routine whenever I come into my room for the first time. I immediately remove the comforter and put it in the closet. If I remember, I bring a pillowcase for the top pillow I will sleep on(and I usually leave it there.) I also bring Clorox Wipes and give the toilet and sink a rub down. Then I inspect the towels and bed for hair. If I see hair, I call the front desk for new linens. I will not walk barefoot in a hotel room, I wear flip flops in the shower and am fully clothed (with socks) when I sleep. Travelling extensively for two companies caused this behavior. My husband HATES it. I try to hide most of it from my friends when we stay in hotels, but removing the comforter is a bit hard to hide. One would think after reading this that the bathrooms in my house are meticulous. Not so much. I am thrilled if one of the four is cleaned in a week.

3. Whenever I board a plane, the first step I make on the plane has to be with my right foot. It just does. I have a feeling it is a control issue. I can control how I walk on the plane. What happens after that is up to others. My worst nightmare is that one day, the plane will be piloted by the biggest stoner from the La Porte High School class of 1987, a guy named Glen. The last I heard from him, his father was begging me to fly with him because he needed flying time. Had I not just been at a party with him the night before, watching him partakein a big ol spliff, I might have reconsidered.

4. I will play a song I love in my car over and over and over and over and over again. It was fine until Baby Girl started to recite lyrics in public. This habit annoys my husband as much as the hotel routine. I usually only do it when he's not in the car.

5. I am terrified of clowns. I hated Bozo and his friend Cooky but my mother would turn on the damn Bozo Show every damn day. Don't even get me started on clowns that walk around and mingle at parades. One came up to me to hug her when I was a kid at the LaPorte 4th of July Parade and I peed my pants after I hauled off and hit her. It was made quite clear to Herr that he will be responsible for taking the girls to the circus or attend future birthday parties that feature clowns. I will NOT do it. I do tolerate Krusty the Clown, though.

6. I have always had the dream that I will someday be a famous rock star. It doesn't matter that I don't read music, can't play an instrument and have never sung in public sober. I know I'm good. I'm not going to let the fact that I am a 37 year old mom in Ohio stop me. I choose to not watch American Idol. I could kick all of their asses. I will be discovered by an agent while I am singing in the shower at the gym. I will be immediately signed to a label and cut a hit record. I will hire all of my girlfriends to be in my entourage and we will have two tour busses--one for us and all of our clothes and beauty products and the other bus will be for all of our children, nannies and pets. No husbands allowed on the tour bus--too much estrogen. Herr will no longer have to toil away as a Scientist, trying to cure the world one drug at a time. Instead, I will buy him a building and he can live out his fantasy of brewing the perfect beer and pondering amusing names for said beer like, "Herr of the Dog" and "v1/v2 = (m2/m1)1/2."

Now it's your turn!!! KimmyK, June Cleaver, Erin Dances with Scorpions? Beuller? Beuller?

Ten Wipe Minimum

Peaches came down with some sort of stomach funk last Friday while we were out of town. Sometimes she gets diarrhea when she is teething so I didn't worry. She was in great spirits, eating well and drinking the way she should. I figured it would go away. By Sunday, she had a violent diaper rash and would literally run away screaming if she saw me coming toward her with diapers and wipes. Sunday evening and Monday evening she was running a low grade temperature, so I decided to take her in to see the pediatrician on Tuesday morning.

I'll be the first to admit that I am not a hysterical mother when it comes to calling the pediatrician. Maybe it's because I have two children now. Maybe I just hate to bother paying a $15 co-pay to be told what I already know--it's a stomach virus and you have to let it run it's course. But Holy Smelly Diapers, Batman! I have never in my life witnessed or smelled such raunchy diapers. And since I am not feeding her fish and rotten eggs, I figured it was time to have her seen.

Have I told you how much I like my pediatrician? After I spoke to the nurse and told her that the diarrhea had gone on for longer than I was comfortable, she squeezed us in right away. The doctor was wonderful as usual, but he confirmed my suspicions--it's a virus and we have to let it run it's course. He did take samples of it (poor guy, she was able to poop on command. I swear I saw his eyes watering.) They are supposed to let me know what they find out.

Yesterday, Peaches' good mood came to an end. I pretty much held her the whole day when she wasn't sleeping because she just wanted to bury her head in my neck and whimper. She refused all food and drink and started vomitting. I was supposed to go to a Mom's Club function yesterday but called one of the moms to cancel. Within an hour, two of the moms had come over with 4 different kinds of Pedialyte and a detailed printout from Children's Hospital on what to do when your small child has a stomach virus. One of the moms also brought over a bottle of Mylanta for the raging diaper rash. I must have looked at her like she was a crack whore trick-or-treating, because she hastily promised that she wasn't crazy and that it really works.

We spent the rest of the day giving Peaches the unflavored Pedialyte by the dropperful and applying Mylanta. This morning she woke up much improved. She is still blowing nastiness out of her butt, but that Mylanta really works. She ate and drank well today, so I thought we were out of the woods.

There's just one problem. Baby Girl now has diarrhea...

Worst. Mother. Ever.

It started a couple of months ago. It was subtle and not very obvious.
"Mmmmommy, may I please go play with Maddie?" Baby Girl would ask.

Then, it got a little more pronounced, but only when she was truly excited.
"I I I I I I I I I I I love that song!" Baby Girl would say when I would play a Wilco song in the car.

Over the past couple of weeks it has become more pronounced and this week, every sentence is starting with a very long stutter, especially questions.

"Can can can can can can can can can can may may may may may may may I please have some raisins?"

I feel horrible about this. Everyone is telling me that it is perfectly normal for kids to stutter and they outgrow it. My pediatrician told me not to worry about it. But if it's perfectly normal, why is it getting worse? And the worse it gets, the more annoyed I get. And then I feel like an absolute shithead for being annoyed that it took her almost an entire minute to tell me urgently that Peaches threw up. I already knew she threw up because she threw up on ME. But I waited there, puke dripping off of me and the baby because I thought Baby Girl had something really important to say. She did--it just took her awhile to tell me.

I am trying really hard to not guess what she is going to say and finish her speaking for her. I did that in the beginning and it was upsetting her. Sometimes I keep thinking that I am causing her to stutter because I am constantly correcting her speaking or making her say things over again using manners.

I nearly cried today when she said, " I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I--"

"WHAT, BABY GIRL?!?!?" I yelled. "WHAT are you trying to say????????"

"I I I I I I I I really love you Mommy."

Hausfrau's Week in Review

Things are back to normal at Hausfrau Haus. We decided to cancel the trip to Boston because Peaches has had a nasty poop virus since Friday and we didn't want to leave my MIL with the kids alone when one is sick. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow. I am sure that she will be perfectly fine and will be producing perfect poops by then. But had we left, we know something bad would have happened and we would have felt horrible about it.

We had an awesome visit with our friends Jen and Joe and their kids and their dogs. Baby Girl is going through severe withdrawl by not having them around. The oldest daughter was the perfect age to give her the responsibility of babysitting while we were there. Baby Girl was so happy playing outside with them all day. It is apparent that we need to adopt some older children pronto so that they may entertain her all day long. I was impressed with the restraint I showed by NOT being pie-eyed every single night. I wasn't even hung over. Jen and I left the house sans children one afternoon and got pedicures while Herr pretended that he knew how to fix our plumbing problems.



I was right when I thought that my appearance at the wedding would guarantee a drama-free event for my cousin. The wedding was beautiful, my cousin and her bridesmaids were GORGEOUS and quite tan (she manages a tanning salon--free tans for everyone!) I got a fantastic upper body workout because I held Baby Girl for nearly the entire 60 minute ceremony. She weighs about 45 lbs. My uncle was there to walk my cousin down the aisle with her mother, which was really nice. My uncle's wife didn't attend the wedding, but her four sisters came and no one mentioned her. I didn't really ask around as to why. If she is really still mourning the loss of her father from 8 months ago, then she needs help, not snarkiness from me. I ended up not having to worry about my mother being all catty at the wedding because she didn't attend. I'll get to that later.

While the wedding was wonderful, the visit with my immediate family was pretty much what I expected. Annoying. There is no such thing as a stress-free or enjoyable visit with my family. It isn't possible. I fall for it every time. I drive home to Indiana and am always so excited to see my Mom and any other family member who may be in town at that particular time. I drive home a couple of days (or sometimes one day) later, completely annoyed and usually amazed by comments made or events that transpired. I am always grateful to have witnesses (ie. Herr) because I worry no one will ever believe me. Comments about my weight, my clothes, my hair and my first bout of acne in my life flew through the air throughout the two days.

Let me set the stage: My sister and her sons decided to stay with my mother from Monday until Sunday afternoon. That would be great if Mom didn't live in a one bedroom 450 sq. ft. apartment that is full of crap. It would also be great if my nephews were well behaved and repsectful. And it would be super great if my sister wasn't so loud and always yelling at her kids from another room. My mother called me a week before, telling me that she wanted my sister and kids to stay in a hotel and was willing to pay for it. I am pretty sure she wanted me to volunteer to tell her. I didn't take the bait. Then my mother got food poisoning from eating a hot dog that was probab ly a year old in her refrigerator and was laid up for over a week because she is a sickly woman. A cold can put her in the hospital because she has a shot immune system. And she smokes. And she drinks. So no reservations were made and my sister brought her sons and all of their crap to my Mom's. I called my mother during the week to ask how things were going. My mother sounded exhausted and annoyed. She informed me that she needed to clean house before I got there and had a huge list of things she needed to get done, but hadn't because she had been so sick.

"Can't Sister clean, Mom?"

Sigh. "She doesn't do anything except yell at the boys and they ignore her. I'll get it done while she is in Chicago for the day tomorrow. I will, however, need you to get my groceries when you get into town."

"No problem."

Friday morning I called my mother when I was an hour from town. I told her to make sure she had the grocery list ready so that I could get it done quickly for her.

"Um, I actually need you to do some cleaning."

When I got the apartment I spent nearly two hours scrubbing the mold out of the toilet and the layer of black soot off of everything in the apartment while my sister ate pizza, yelled at the boys to stop playing their Gameboys 27 times and told me how dirty the apartment was. She was also nice enough to inform me that I had missed a spot on the television. I kept my temper in check and finally left when I knew I would blow--I also had a raging headache. I refuse to have a fight with my sister when my mother and nephews are near her. I did tell her that I need to have a serious talk with her. She thought it was about Mom. I told her it was about her. She looked all confused. Why am I not surprised?

I am angry for two reasons. I am angry that my mother will not allow me to hire a cleaning lady to come into her home to clean. I am angry that my sister imposed for 7 days and couldn't pick herself off the couch to scrub a toilet or even make her bed while she was there. What makes me even more angry is that my sister told me a couple of months ago that I needed to come home more to help my mom because she has been coming home so much. Our friends who visited us this week were only at our house for three days, yet they left it cleaner than when they got there.

The only other annoying thing that happened this weekend dealt with my aunt. She decided that bringing up my mother's inability to care for herself was perfectly appropriate to discuss in front of the rest of the realtives during dinner at the wedding reception. She kept sprinkling comments into conversation that we need to move her with us wherever we go. I ignored her as long as I could, but then she mentioned that SHE doesn't want my mother to move near her because SHE doesn't want the responsibility. I finally said that we cannot force my mother to go anywhere and that she may lives with us if she chooses, but she will probably never leave her apartment. And then we left the reception.

Did I mention that Herr and I went to the reception without the girls? That was fun. The girls stayed with friends of ours. Their two kids kept Baby Girl amused the entire weekend. The older daughter even stayed home on Friday night when she could have gone to a middle school dance--on her own accord. They are really good kids. I just wish Peaches wouldn't have been so miserable the whole time. She pretty much cried the 4 hours we were gone. Lorrie and Scott denied it, but their daughter came clean. We felt so bad. The upside to her misery was that she slept well at the hotel.

The drive home was uneventful. We stopped for lunch in a very quaint town called Berne, Indiana. It was settled by Swiss Mennonites in the 1850's, I think. Most of the buildings in town have exteriors that look like Swiss Chalets. There are also tons of Mennonites. They even have special parking for their horses at the McDonald's:










I guess the only thing left to mention about is that Herr has accepted a position to return to his former employer in New Jersey. It is a great opportunity (a promotion) and I am excited for him. We will probably look to buy a home in the Easton/Allentown, PA area. Should be a hectic summer.

Busy,Busy

Things here in the ol'Hausfrau Haus are quiet at the moment. The kids are in their rooms napping and I have been cleaning like a madwoman. They are still tired from our trip to Bloomington this past weekend. We dropped off the girls with Gramma and we met up with our friends Rob and Laura and were the IU alumni we used to make fun of when we were 22 partied it up. To be more precise, we drank a lot and also ate our way through Bloomington. I don't know why the girls are more tired than we are--they only went to Wendy's.

After a quick Easter lunch at Gramma's house we headed back home yesterday. Herr left the house at 4:30 this morning to get a flight to Newark to see his old boss. Fortunately, he will be home tonight, which is a good thing as our friends Jen and Joe and their kids are due to arrive this evening. We try to see Jen and Joe once a year, if not more. It's challenging as they live in Maine and we've been living in Ohio, but they are being nice enough to come see us before we move. At least we will be closer to them when we move. However, I am not sure that we could visit them a lot, as Corey and I turn into complete idiots when we are with them and drink ourselves into shameful stupors. Who could forget our "Goodbye New Jersey" weekend last April? What made that weekend all the more painful was that somewhere between drinks 12 and 17, I forgot that I had a 2 month old baby to care for. I have my hopes that Jen and Joe's oldest kids, Harry and Anna, will be able to prepare breakfast for the five younger children tomorrow morning. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

This weekend we will be going home to attend my cousin's wedding. While I might be able to recognize her if I saw her on the street, we are not close. I figured that the last time I saw most of my family, it was at my Dad's funeral. I missed all of the family drama at my Grandmother's funeral between my mother, my aunt and my uncle. I am tired of hearing about family fistfights events second-hand, so it is high time we made an appearance. It should be interesting as there are doubts as to whether the father of the bride (the aforementioned uncle) will be attending. According to my mother, his wife (my cousin's stepmother) is too busy mourning the death of her father from eight months ago to even THINK about attending the wedding. It just wouldn't be appropriate, you know? The reason he may not attend is that he hasn't spoken to my cousin in a long time. And that's sad--she's a nice girl. Truth be told, I am coming to keep an eye on my mother, to make sure she doesn't decide to have one of her Joan Collins moments and reduce someone to tears from some imagine infraction. And while the weekend recap I will write next weekend will certainly write itself if the wedding is action-packed, a big part of me hopes it is uneventful and beautiful for Tara's sake.



And as if that won't be enough stress, we will have to drive back to Cincinnati on Sunday morning so that we can pack and fly to Boston that night. One of the company's Herr received an offer from is bringing us out to "show us around" and set us up with a Relocation Specialist before he decides if he will accept. We used to do this stuff all the time when I worked for "Large Corporate Sporting Goods Retailer based in Pittsburgh." Pittsburgh was a tough sell for executives, so we would fly their families out and do it up so that they would fall in love and move there. I'm just going so that I can eat some Legal Seafood. The rest of the time I will be getting poked in the side by my husband because he will have caught me rolling my eyes after the umpteenth time of hearing, "This is a great neighborhood with fantastic schools. I think we could DEFINITELY set you up with a cute little fixer-upper in the mid-$400's!" Weeeeee!

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

I am counting down the hours until Herr comes back from Cambridge (10.5). Even though he has been the one with the enormous pressure to perform well in interviews so that he may be employed and provide for a family, I am selfish and am tired of him not being here. Sue me. I'm a baby. After he comes home tonight, he flies to New Jersey for the day on Monday to speak to his old employer as they want him back. After that, all interviews will be over. He got a head's up that he is getting an offer from a pharmaceutical company in Cambridge on Friday. While I am thrilled that he is getting offers, I am scared to live in a place where a 70's bi-level fixer upper that is 1800 sq. feet is a mere $450,000. And that is 45 minutes away from Boston. Sometimes I wish we never would have moved here. It took no time at all to get used to the midwestern suburban life with a home that would take me years to fill up with crap. It will be tougher to leave than I thought.

The girls and I went to our first Passover Seder last evening at my friend Leeann's house. It was really nice. The Haggadah was really interesting and long but I can't complain. The Jews were stuck in the desert for 40 years--what's a couple of hours before dinner? Leeann and her husband decided to mix it up a little by doing the Haggadah with puppets. I made my theatrical debut as Jochebed, Moses' Mother. The text was designed for school aged children and the songs lyrics were amusing and put to music like "Clementine" and "He'll Be Coming Around the Mountain." I was certain, however, that I ruined their seder because it was WAY past the girls' dinner time and they were FREAKS. I was the only solo parent with two small kids there, so there were a few looks of pity (and probably annoyance as well.) The food was AWESOME and I am anxiously awaiting Leeann's recipe for her brisket. I overheard her say it had barbeque sauce and Skyline Chili seasoning in it. I despise barbeque sauce, but this stuff kicked ass!

I have recently discovered that Baby Girl has several invisible friends. Most of them are real friends of hers who are just not at our house at the moment. She does have two friends who truly don't exist named "Daba" and "Bala." Initially, I was freaked out by her discussions and arguments that took place, but now they amuse me. The problem is that about the same time these "friends" started showing up, so did the lying. Baby Girl is now lying all the time. For example, I asked her yesterday to go up to her bedroom and put some socks on so that we could go to the store. Five minutes later, she was sitting on the steps barefoot.

"I asked you to put on socks. Please put some on."

"I can't."

"Yes you can." I said. "They are in the basket on your dresser. They are in the same place they were yesterday and the day before that."

"But Mommy, they aren't there," she whined.

"Well then find them," I said with gritted teeth.

"But Mommy, they're on the roof."

Weekend Recap--Akron Edition

Fun fun fun (Quiet drive to Akron in car) fun fun fun (Erin, Lorna, Jenny, Annie, Angel) fun fun fun fun(drinks) fun fun fun fun(DAVID SEDARIS) fun fun fun fun(Laughing at David Sedaris so hard that my jaw hurt) fun fun fun fun fun(presents) fun fun fun fun fun(birthday cake) fun fun fun fun fun (fudge)fun fun fun fun fun fun (playing "Name That Tune" with Erin on Kazoo) fun fun fun fun fun (trying to find a bar in downtown Akron) fun fun fun fun fun fun fun (the distinctive clatter of a butter knife falling in the middle of the street) fun fun fun fun fun fun (outdoing each other with stories of small children who swear) fun fun fun fun.


Sigh.
UPDATE: For an actual well-written account of the weekend, as opposed to my lazy-assed post, read Erin's blog . It explains the whole butter knife thing.

Herr's Employment Update

Herr's interviews are going at a good clip. By April 17, he will have had nine interviews in all parts of the country--mostly the East Coast. He leaves this afternoon for Cambridge, MA and will be home tomorrow night. Then he will fly back to Cambridge next week and spend almost the whole week there as he will have had four interviews with three companies. He'll even get to spend Wednesday sightseeing because of gaps in the interviews. Lucky bastard.

Actually, he's not a lucky bastard at all. I couldn't interview the way he does. As a Scientist he first does a one hour "talk" to discuss research he has done. There is a question and answer session and then he does one-on-one interviews with people for the rest of the day. The day is typically a 10-hour one. I can't imagine having to be "on" for 10 hours straight. Especially if some Jackass decides to try to stump him with science crap during his question/answer part of his talk. What makes it even tougher is that he has dinner with the people the night before; sort of a "getting to know you" sort of thing.

At any rate, he received an offer from one company already, but it is doubtful he will take it. The money was OK, but their relocation sucks and we would lose a lot of money. He is also annoyed that they told him in the interview that when they extend offers, they demand an answer in a week. He plainly told them that they should hold off on any offers until April 17, but this is the same company with the "Let's Stump The Scientist" Jackass, so there you go.

He is very excited about the company he interviewed with in Wilmington, DE this week. He is trying not to think about it because he doesn't want to be disappointed if he doesn't get an offer. They told him that they have a couple more interviews this week and should have an answer next week. His former employer is also very interested in having him come back, which is nice, so we shall see how it all pans out.

Weekend Recap

I am one tired Hausfrau, yo. The strong storms that whipped through the Midwest last night put my 3 year old into a frenzy, so there wasn't much sleep to be had. We live on a hill in our development and her bedroom faces the street. For some reason, the wind doesn't just blow against her windows, it SCREAMS and shrieks like a haunted house. I let her come to bed with me since Herr left yesterday for Wilmington, DE for his umpteenth interview. For only being 40 lbs, she is a massive bedhog who pushes and kicks. By 5AM we were both up and I was letting her watch television, just so I could TRY to make up for the time change. I think the only thing that will fix my tiredness is to go to bed after the 6 O'Clock News.

Sleeplessness aside, I had a fantastic weekend. Herr got back from Atlanta late Friday night so that he could wait on me hand and foot on Saturday we could spend time together on my birthday. Baby Girl started my morning off right by staring at me while I slept and singing a stunning rendition of "Happy Birthday." Then she promptly jumped on my stomach and asked me if I was getting a party, cake and candles. When I told her no, she got very upset. A 3 year old just doesn't understand that grownups do not need all that stuff. She started to cry and said that we needed to make a birthday cake, so I agreed that she could help me make one. She did a great job helping me and we let her frost the cake. Unfortunately, Bosco our dog found the cake on the kitchen island and destroyed most of it. It's for the best anyway as the last thing I need is cake.

A couple of things made my birthday super nice. First of all, Serendipity was on TBS during the girls' naptime. I try to watch any movie that my future second husband is in. That one, in particular gets me every single time. Secondly, we went to the Montgomery Inn for dinner. Jesus H. Christ it was good. The Montgomery Inn is a landmark in Cincinnati. We figured that we would really suck as individuals if we left this town without going there. We were not disappointed. I was so full that I could not eat my fabulous Black Raspberry Chip Ice Cream from Graeters that is featured on the menu. However, the best part of my birthday was this:

I got the first season of V.I.P. For any of you who know me, you KNOW how much I love this show. It has everything--a very funny Pamela Anderson (I choose to believe she is funny, men choose to believe she is hot--whatever), it has the hot Asian guy from 21 Jump Street, it has drama, it has humor, it has a certain campy appeal that I just adore. I have many happy memories of lazing about on a Saturday afternoon watching this show. I even got Herr addicted to it. Now, listen up people--they are not going to release the other seasons unless the sales from the first season are good. So get those charge cards ready--Amazon has it for a good price--help a Hausfrau OUT!


Quite possibly the real best part of my birthday will be taking place this weekend. My girlfriends and I are meeting up in AKRON, OHIO because that's what all the cool 30-Somethings are doing these days--screw the Caribbean! Actually, we are spending an evening with my future sixth husband, David Sedaris (He's behind Herr, John Cusack, Scott Baio, Michael Vartan and Gabriel Byrne.) It doesn't matter that he is gay and living in Paris with his partner. He would be the husband who would make me pee my pants from laughing every single day. And since I will probably be wearing Depends by the time I have a sixth husband, it won't matter! YAY me!