Hello. My name is Misfit Hausfrau. And I am addicted to trashy magazines (Not porn--get your head out of the gutter!). I'm talking about tabloid magazines. I just can't get enough of them.
It started out so innocently. I would buy a Cosmo or In Style or People just before I boarded a plane every other week for my job. I didn't think anything of it because I always had something REAL to read as well-- you know, something from the Oprah Book Club. Then, during the annual Girlie Weekend, my girlfriends and I would buy one of everything so that we be able to amuse ourselves in the car or at the beach. The beachhouse we rent every September is littered with tabloids for the girls (and poker chips and beer for the boys.) But that was it. I wasn't a regular purchaser of tabloids. I mean, come on! I was a Journalism/English double major in college. I was much too busy reading The New Yorker or the Utne Reader to seriously start reading trash!
Fast forward to Cincinnati, Spring 2005. I brought home the groceries and my husband pulled out three "magazines."
"Are you kidding me? What is this shit?"
"Um, just some magazines."
"These aren't magazines, this is crap. Since when are you buying these for something other than a trip? Look at the price of that one! You're going to put us in the poor house, blah, blah, blah. Who are you and what have you done with my wife? MY wife used to bring home the U.S. News and World Report, not Life & Style."
I have managed to change the day I grocery shop so that I can buy the latest issues! I put them on my nightstand, mixed in with my subscription magazines and ten books so as not to draw attention to them.
I realized last night that perhaps I am going a little overboard with my new hobby. I was staring at my latest cache--Life & Style, Star and The Enquirer. All three have the SAME exclusive photos of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's wedding. But I had to get them all. See, I have a vested interest in their union. My favorite TV show is Alias. Jennifer Garner used to date one of her co-stars, Michael Vartan. The season finale cliffhanger implies that Michael Vartan might be killed off. If that is the case, I will stop watching. And I just KNOW he will be off the show because of Ben's jealousy. See, one of my friends knows Ben Affleck because they worked on a movie together. Apparently Ben is a douchebag. Maybe there is a clue about the show in one of these issues...
But I digress.
Anyway, it's not like I read The Globe or The Weekly World News. I have no interest in reading about Jane in Leeds England who saw the Virgin Mary in her fish and chips. I DO have some standards.
Wait, it's Thursday! My People should be in the mailbox!
5 comments:
How could you have SUCCESSFULLY kept this side of you from The Chemist for all these years, when I've known about it for at least 13??!! Must be like when you kept your shoe habit under wraps in the trunk of your car....
Or your cigarrettes smashed in the middle of some poor book....
But I could SWEAR this is a new habit. It really is!!!!
While I will admit to my dirty little shoe habit, I do not know of what you speak concerning the cigarettes. When I USED to smoke, I would hide the butts in the dirt of the flower pots on my deck. Did I really put a cigarette butt in the middle of a book? That is sacrilege!
Yes, you really DID hide the entire PACK (not just a butt) in the middle of a book. Must have been a squishy pack with not many left, but still...
It was back around the time that we thought getting someone else's Taco Bell order IN ADDITION to ours was like manna from heaven. Yucky poo.
Mary P--- Isn't Jane a teenage girly magazine? At least we're not all obsessed with cycling magazines and cyclists like a certain hubby is. I swear those bikers can be worse than a bunch of 13 year old girls, in terms of drama....
SoNot--I really don't remember the cigarette incident. But, I have heard that massive amounts of Taco Bell injested when one is in their 20's causes permanent memory loss.
Mary--We got FHM mailed to our home for a year! Neither of us ordered it and we never found out who did. I found it really strange that it was in my name. I actually read it (to find out what younger men are thinking (duh!) I also read it so I could get good and depressed about how I DON'T look. My husband would throw them away without reading them...
My husband only gets Backpacker (snore), but SOMEHOW he always knows exactly who is on the cover of Maxim and Stuff AND what the current cover girl is(or is not)wearing. And he shares this with me, as well as his theories about who has had a boob job or who is getting too thin. Because he cares.
Or something.
I used to subscribe to InStyle, until my first child came along. Then it was just depressing. (All those beautiful clothes! That were not spit-up resistant! And the celebrity homes! That were ALL WHITE!). I'm starting to miss it, though. Maybe I'll just pick it up at the bookstore, you know, to catch up on pop culture . . . yeah, that's it. 'Cause now you've got me thinking about it.
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